I won't regret, as I always say.

我没什么好说的。虽然我是有些难受, 该来的总是要来。

我是这么一个人，你对我有不好过，后来再多的爱也弥补不了之前的不好, 更加弥补不了现在这样的状况。

我就是这么一个人。你早该知道了。

所以我没有办法跟你在一起。

因为你只是个liar. 

Sorry, I had to end it. 

And you know what. I am a liar too. 

烟

一天没有抽烟，突然受不了那个味儿。

上一根是凌晨4点坐在楼梯口面朝集装箱抽的。那个气温以及夜深人静的快感还是适宜的。

喝了几罐啤酒，在美国的时候随时随地都有向你讨烟抽的人。新加坡也有，但只有本身就酒气熏天的老大爷才做这种事。第一次在大西洋城，遇过3个吉普赛装扮的路人，两男一女，说难听一点就是穿着非常波西米亚风格的流浪汉。笑嬉嬉地扛着背包迎面走来，见我在打电话还识相地用手比划要烟的姿势，下意识地说是最后一根，他们也继续保持欢乐神态，thanks honey 后来让我还有点不好意思。于是从那以后基本上有人要就给。

后来一次是在美国家里门口，刚点了一只new port 来了个挺夯的白人，问我有没有万宝路，还强调非要menthol，我说我只有new port menthol, 把手里那根递了过去。那哥们居然还递过来一美元，我讪笑了一下没要。

同小花在board walk 上也遇过白种小妞毒瘾犯了似的要烟，以及一个傻逼underage。

最后一次在l.a. 餐厅外面俩黑人小伙就那么走到我面前要，我还惊了一会。最后发现他们还挺实在两人只要一根，于是我递过去了两根，三人哈拉了一会。之后走进餐厅旁边的新加坡小mm说你真大胆。我说哪里，人黑人小伙其实还under age。

Raw pork

Two test result came out. Luckily I am no longer fragile.

I've decided to drop the X'mas trip to US. Apparently I can barely afford two trips in half a year, even if I can, I doubt if I really should do this. If you let me choose between 20 days and three months, I would choose latter, so would you. So I have sent back the letter to my ex-employer, hoping they will gimme the summer job again. There will be no stopping for this decision. I can promise nothing before, but I do promise this.

Did a experiment for my ex-lecturer, some learning behavior stuff, letting Martin and his wife plug hundred wires on my head, putting on glues in my hair to ensure the functionality of electricity. I looked at myself from the reflection of the desktop monitor, heck yeah, I look like a creepy robot killer. In the final questionnaire there was this question, why would you participate in this survey. I laughed and spoke to Martin, für das Geld. Then he laughed too and told me I was the frankest participant. I simply agree that this questionnaire is way too stupid than the experiment. 

A friend of mine who's from North Germany asked me if Chinese really eat weird stuff like pigs' kidney, snakes, or something even more ridiculous. I said yep. He said: "Oh God." I smiled and said: "now tell me about this raw pork dish for your daily breakfast. You guys can't be serious."

    

  

Next Wave

Next Wave tonight. Break a leg, Lingyi.

Shaun's item appears powerful, that's what everybody says. I don't know. As part of the piece, I hope it is true. Besides that, I only pray that I could do a decent job for the coming two nights. Regardless whatever, I respect and appreciate the piece, that's all a dancer need I believe. 

This week is a bitch. I am buried with papers and rehearsals. Bruise issue never remain an issue compare to four sleepless night. I feel lucky that I survived, and also proud. 

M1 is another bitch. When I faxed them to change my phone plan they asked me to include the Free IDD call service, which I did. Later comes the hundred dollar bill, on which I could find neither the word FREE nor IDD. So I questioned the customer service guy, who told me that I should have registered through call or website. Oh well, somebody could have told me a month ago that it was pointless when you asked me to fax in this information. So whose fault is it?

One third of my Mid-Autumn Day performances pay went to M1, you are incredible, man.

I am glad that I am still glad. I am being super optimistic lately. One dancer friend said it was because of Shaun's harsh rehearsals. Hahahahahaha... When ppl blamed him for his bloody heavy rehearsals or his picky attitude, I only felt him n the harsh training hilarious. I mean people are just different, its gonna be boring if all were patient like sheep. His chore is brilliant, and that was the only reason for me to remain smiling even when he scolded me on my mistakes or non-mistakes for hundred times. Anyway, if by any chance that Shaun saw these words, my name is not Lingyi.

失眠

I couldn't sleep. Not because of anything but just couldn't fall asleep, which sucks.

I couldn't smoke. Not because of anything but just cigarettes suddenly make me wanna puke, which sucks even more. 

Thinking about canceling the appointment for blood donation tomorrow. I don't think such a body could offer any healthy blood. Plus I have a workshop to do. Fainting in front of a group of dancers would be the last thing in my agenda. 

Called Corey at 4 o'clock in the morning. At this kinda time I can call nobody else but him. The conversation lasted 20 minutes and I decided to hang up. 

creep

I am being extremely extreme, if you, or I know what am sayin'. 

Things are just not right. I'm not a stuffed animal, and neither are you. Any of you. 

The phone has become an organ of mine. Fuck it. I can't take my eyes off it and try to feel it whenever am awake. oh well, things just don't work that way. In fact it works in the opposite direction. The more you give a fuck, the more you get fucked up.

I am Okay, I am just a little bit screwed up. 

I got a mid-term paper in ten days. No matter it's Time Flies or else, I am glad. Too glad that i start doubting if I am still normal. 

Projects are slamming my face. I gotta do well. Stop creeping. 

The world is not enough

Lynn在下午一点左右敲我并没上锁的门。并且严肃地说到“room service“. 此时我一丝不挂地睡得头昏脑胀，并且做着非常诡异的梦。下得够呛。

于是穿上衣服开了门。于是人家递了一包dunhill过来。受宠若惊。最近烟运不断。

近来生活日益聚集。凡事离不开跳舞和学习。接到名叫gena，陌生又貌似熟悉的女人的电话。问我有没有空做5场show。中秋节，扮嫦娥跳5分钟的solo。pay较可观。

哭笑不得。嫦娥?! oh well, for money's sake.

I would give anything in the world to be by your side.

我心里笑了一下，there's nothing in the world you can give。

写了张卡片给landy祝她将到的生日快乐。我们常说要一起逃跑去个异国他乡。

其实什么地方住久了都是一样的地皮一块。于是我很想那么漂泊一下。谁知道被捆地异常结实。

the world is not enough

but it is such a perfect place to start, my love

and if you are strong enough

together we can take the world apart, my love.

"Love is for losers"

Dancing too much is harmful to the body.
I've been doing rehearsals for Next Wave. Knees turned purple and knee protections turned into Japanese Flag, if u know what I mean.

I missed NOC application in a way. H told me 5 hours ago that the application was gonna be closed in five hours, and I realized that it was too late for me to collect all the documents or any other shits. Well, I missed. Myself was blamed.

I am waiting for so many things to happen, meanwhile doing nothing. I think God must adore me if all I was waiting for really came to me. But the point is in some way I don't know what am I waiting for. If you do exist, God, I beg to know what I want right now, the rest I will work it out myself.

A Ticket has been booked from Singapore to China, 5th Dec. Mom was surprised to know that I was going home as she thought that I wanted to go to Seattle. I am still considering seriously. You know if I go back to the US during X'mas, that would probably mean that I will not be rich enough to support another Work & Travel program. I am trying to balance my time and money.
It's been so hard.

I am smoking a cigarette and drinking milk. Few hours ago I wanted to quit badly. Smoking is no good. But it makes me feel secure, i finally find my reason for smoking.... after so long time.

A dancer was wearing a pink t-shirt with "love is for losers" on it. What a well written sentence.

Am i a loser?

康熙来了

今天看康熙很久以前苏永康那段。里面坐着一群妖娆的女人。嗲声嗲气地叫唤着。

小s问了嘴你们多大，于是我发现这群发育良好的女人居然全部89年以后出生。

-_-!

的确是很少碰见比我小的人，即使碰上了对方也很恰当的行为天真。

归纳一下原来是我成熟的很晚，而且并不是阅人无数。

morey's 发来rehiring information. 看了有说不清楚的感觉。我不知道自己还该不该回去。更不明白几个月之后的自己会不会还想现在这样觉得回去很值得。即使我依旧坚持，也肯定不了回去就真的值得。给我一点时间，let me sort it out.

同landy通了电话。她的生活比我的还要无奈。我唯一能做的只是每个礼拜打个电话给她确保一下她还活着。

我还在等，等我自己想明白这一切一切的shits.

Pomelo salad

Biz Canteen 有家越南菜店。

最钟意的是shrimp salad roll. 无奈总是在午餐之前就卖完。

这几天试了他家所有的salad。生菜猪肉肠粉比较油腻。青芒果虾沙拉还是泰国人做的比较可口。

今天吃了柚子沙拉。很好很完美。

一只不大的碗，粉色柚子肉，两只虾仁，香菜，生菜。

老板娘的杀手锏是佐料。尝不出recipe. 大约知道里面是橄榄油，白醋和辣椒和糖。佐料里加大量花生粉。

味道是非常的惊天动地。喜欢熟食和肉的还是别试算了。

去vivo买了两件衣服。我也总算是出闺晃荡了一回。

在学校遇见以前的男朋友。尴尬地打了个正脸。笑也不是哭也不是。我猜对方感觉也是如此。

两年没说过一句话。彼此早就不清楚你妈贵姓云云。anyway, 最后反正是没打招呼就分道扬镳。

我觉着有点好笑。

上美国历史课，老师非常学术性地讲述白人对黑人奴隶的看法，用词非常地不婉转。我替她捏了一节课的汗。教室里同是黑色皮肤的马来同学表情尴尬，白人同学一率低头。那几个词就不mention了。总之是非常尴尬的搞笑。

书有很多要读。舞有很多要跳。旧的日子回归了。

读了书，买了护膝。来吧。i am ready, get your fucking ass over.

 

模糊。

你的影像模糊万分。

我看不到，触不到，也渐渐地听不到。

新加坡的雨下得淅淅沥沥。wildwood那边怎样我只能凭借天气预报。

我是这样地急切。又是这样地想要逃避。

我早就没了力气。也不想重蹈覆辙。

我还是听着Queen. 还是一如既往穿着黑色。

how are you? 

我决定写一篇日记。

最近过活地很憋屈。

憋屈地找工作，憋屈地想未来。

工作找到了，还没开始干就辞了。部门经理很热情。可我真的不想做mlm。于是放弃了那个可观的commission，应为我并不觉得自己有那个能力。

阿鸡临走给了我两包绿万。中国买的于是包装上没了恶心的烂脚。算是最近发生的唯一不憋屈还挺让人振奋的事情。阿鸡您真够意思。

北京飞西雅图的机票在6000rmb左右。非常诱惑人的价格。可惜若我买了就没钱过生活。

钱什么时候变得这样重要过?

mandolin购买计划失败得一塌糊涂。musicianfriends上所谓的international shipping包括只有加拿大和波多黎各。oh well。大陆的ebay上到是有一个700多的，可惜牌子没听说过，我也并不敢买。昨晚梦见有人送了我两架mandolin。乐得屁癫屁癫地醒来原来是场梦而已。再说吧。

我很想回到美国。新加坡的日子越过越不顺畅。听了自己这话非常的心酸。非常的。

I have to get myself packed..

I don't know what am I doing right now. 

things are getting worse and I ... I am helpless.

God, where are you? 

i am the CM

player1: CM back

cm: why

P2: die

P3: die

P4: die

cm: oh ya.

p1: wtf cm

cm: i killed!

p2: .... 

p3: ....

p1: u ksed.

cm: oh. i will save one for u next time..

p1: ya right

p2: wtf cm

cm: i didn't ck

p1: no u didn't. u just blocked both of us.

p2: and now u die.

cm: omg, i am terribly sorry.

p1:... do us a favor stop feeding

cm: how?

p1: go farm

p2: stay in the base

p3: quit the game

cm died again after 2 seconds.

p1: ...

p2: ...

p3: ... 

cm: ...

两个时区

突然意识到我回来的有些早。
课程下周开始，所有的事情无非就是准备准备float, 愁眉苦脸地bidding以及消极等待眼睛康复。我却并不想跳舞。并不想选课。更加不想看医生。

于是每天附和着两个时区的夜晚，下午2点到9点。晚上1点到早上8点都在睡觉。

我很想念那些人。距离是无形却无奈的东西。能做的我会去做。没办法的事情也无法奢求。

那些乱七八糟的东西正朝着我来，用肉眼都看得见。当压力一点点地开始腐蚀着肉体，脑子也在被压迫着。

i need a job.
i need money.
i need time.
i need a healthy body.
i need you.

still traveling

L.A. kinda sucks but somehow I believe that it must be special somewhat. It's just I didn't find it.

venice beach hostel是难以形容的一家旅店。凌晨时分check in，lobby里充斥着眼圈和酒精。不同人种不约而同地抽着一管巨大的水烟。从一楼到三楼无论是电话，沙发还是走廊都设置着无数烟灰缸。reception desk 旁边贴着滑稽的便条。譬如某个title叫做·how to hook up with a girl in this hostel·

这老板倒是很unique，我就这么想着。

同一间房里住着另外几个女子。分别来自德国，荷兰，意大利和英国。德国美女双腿修长，笑容灿烂。

洛杉矶并没有想像中的丰富。大概是我们没有车的缘故。顺风车搭了很多次，安全感却一直缺乏。

旅店对面的mao's kitchen是特别的中国餐馆。装修充满革命情调。老板是优雅的中年美国男子。


Venice beach 周围有家特别的帽子店。老板给我一顶深绿的jazz hat。那是经典的一顶帽子。售价也很经典，78美金。老板主动降价到60，我还是咬牙走了。心里非常难受。这般忍痛割爱的痛总是那么地难以启齿地去形容。金色小骷髅还在脑子里闪烁，持续到现在，现在却身在san francisco.

旧金山很好。非常的好事实上。渔人码头（fisherman's wharf）里有成群肥壮的海豹。甚至有个同wildwood里一模一样的旋转木马。街头艺人很专业。太平洋中央的旧岛监狱美不胜收。


golden gate bridge只是一座红色的年旧还未失修的大桥。看不到特别之处，倒是周边的太平洋景观让人留恋。

明日要回洛杉矶。晚上的航班回新加坡。内心纠结。

all the best to u, lingyi.

love square

费城是又一个咄咄逼人的城市。
我想我太适应了wildwood的松懒氛围。

同小花在philadelphia消磨了一点时间。
由于预定的hostel 自身神奇的原因。阴差阳错的被安排住进downtown的公寓。价格依旧是60美金。还有莫名热情的hostel负责人专车接送。我想我一辈子还是该走几次运的。

费城的雨下得很汹涌。corey在电话那头告诉我wildwood依旧保持阴霾却干燥。
费城晚上8点所有可shopping的shop都关得相当干净。wildwood boardwalk上应该还是一如既往地灯火通明肥妞攒动。

明早准备早起去纽约。不知道能不能走之前看一眼love square.

在new york待个钟头估计就该启程回wildwood住最后一晚。我很是感伤。最后一晚终究还是要来了。I don't know how to deal with leaving. It is tough.


最终我还是没有看见love square, 这是后话。

Ich werde zurück kommen

It's gonna be over. 

My days in Wildwood is gonna end soon.

Leaving tomorrow morning, heading to Philadelphia, N.Y. and then to the west. 

I baked this blueberry cake or muffin or whatever. It tasted bitter. I forgot to add sugar but lots of coffee power. 

I cut this onion and it made me cry like hell, tears flushing down all the way to my fingers. 

Food that I am eating always reflects my life. Weirdly but truly. 

We tried Sky Coaster together yesterday, we refers to Nicola, me and Alexis. This crazy Irish girl  insisted to get the pictures for us tho' our faces can't really be seen in the photo. We signed behind it and it feels kinda bitter whenever I see the picture.. 

Wildwood, N.J. 2008 Summer   July 21nd 8p.m

Goodbye My love city.

Goodbye my loves.

Please remember this, Ich zurück komme.

 

When people ask me....

一秒的安慰，是我想你的滋味。
微甜的滋味，给你力气面对。

做了午餐，西兰花炒培根，蟹肉炒蛋同朝天椒。大米无缘无故消失，勉强弄了几张饼，吃了俩手卷。

life in US is too easy, i even have time for cooking, even baked a cake. Oh boy!
Fortunately, after tons of cheeses, bacons and beef, i still weight 110 Pounds. fit, I am pleased.

Penny asked me, when are you coming back?

Uncle Bob asked me, do you wanna work for me next year next year? Forget about Morey's Piers, i pay better.

Even Felipe had a deal with me. If you come back next year and I am still the manager, I will let you be the stock girl as you wish.

I asked myself, when will I come back?

Things change too fast. I am not sure about anything.

will the dream continue

距离离开的日子还有十天左右。我很惆怅。也很不知所措。

工作得越来越吃力，因为实在moreys的这些七零八乱的事情让我觉得是在浪费大把时间。

于是让manager每天早放工，周薪越来越少。也不大care.

有事情摆在面前无从下手。有时我不是很会解决问题的人。尤其当遇上从未有过的尴尬矛盾。

对于快要回去过去的生活我很兴奋也很抗拒，困扰和捆绑又要哄哄而来，熟悉的安逸也同时回来。

来美国是一个梦。It's just I don't know that, will the dream continue? 

My heart hurts right now. 'cause I don't know what I want.

Stories from the dream

The Internet in this house is down again. I am speechless.
I am listening to Queen, thinking about the dreams i had last night.
lately I've been dreaming about scripts, completed ones. Good ones.
I have main characters, stories. There was even a time, Jude Law was the actor.
the stories vary, sometimes about love, most of the time they're about murder.

Last night two person in my story had this conversation.

Are they gonna put me into jail ?

They might.

I should go back to my homeland.

I'm going with you. This is true.

What is true?

That I love you.

....


Don't leave.

I don't wanna leave.

Don't go, I don't want you to go back home.

I have no home.



My dreams sometimes appear touching.

Woke up, i freaked out.

Love

Have you ever been in love?

Yep.

Really?

Yep. Why?

When was your first love?

When I was 15. But i doubt it now.

Why?

I would say that you don't know what love is when you are 15.

When is your last love?

(Right now.)

...

If someone cares about you more than he cares about himself, will you care about him more than you care about yourself?

Nope. I am selfish.

I don't think you have been in love.

(That's bullshit,  you don't even know me.)

shits

I was offended 2 hours ago by a fat ugly dontknowfromwhere drunkie. Mercado's friend. I don 't wanna blame him 'cause he was drunk but ya, i couldn't help. HE DID RUIN MY MOOD.
Firstly, I am not a slut. Secondly, asian don't sleep around randomly, we have taste, good taste. Thirdly, don't fucking try to get close to me when I have no fucking interest on you, asshole.

Sorry about my language.

I was moody tonight, thinking about bullshit. I drank two cans of beer only and that helped me for dirtying my language. Never mind.

Rich is a dump asshole n he asked us to do the god damn house shifting at 8 o'clock in the morning. It is weekend, man. Everybody on the pier is busy. Can we have a break before the disaster weekend comes? and seriously, watch your attitude man.

I was doing diary on my tiny useless notebook during work. well, it becomes useful now. there was something that i just couldn't blog here. I'm looking for some privacy, I'm looking for a break. Tho' i just had a easy day.

Amazingly I start falling in love with America, specifically Wildwood. I do feel less stressful here, comparing to Singapore. there was even a moment i was thinking about quitting school n live in the U.S. It is a country that allows the existence of free souls. It is a dicky country but also a pussy sometimes.

I don't know what am I talking about. I guess I am just a little bit moody.

I am being confused. Very very confused.

Addiction is a bad thing, no matter to a thing or a person.

FUCK.

ein Wunsch ohne Lüge

Er is unterschiedlich.

Was jetzt mache ich?

Ich weiß nicht. Helfen mich.

die Verpflichtung, der Geliebter, die Lügen.

Was suche ich?

ich suche ein Wunsch ohne Lüge.

wrong

i felt that am doing something wrong.

i don't understand why am I living like this, entertaining people around which is the last thing i care to do. I even wanted to slap two park guests yesterday 'cause they were simply annoying. But the fact is that I could do nothing abt it 'cause I work for the park. Serving strangers whom i don't give a damn becomes my religion. last night this 10-year-old boy walked pass my stand n said "this job sucks." I felt hilarious. "indeed." I said to myself. there are people i know who has been working for Morey's Piers for years. OH MAN. I wish they are making big money.

Unbelievable, unfuckingbelievable.

I have been starving for days, since the plane brought me to the United States.
I have been telling people how much i dislike pizza n bread. right now am having hotdogs n pizza every day, every fucking single day. the size of the stuff are huge, too huge that even I could only finish half a pizza each time.
so basically i am making myself luxury steaks or salmon every morning and for the rest of the day just force myself to have few bites of the rough western food. My house mates thought i was weird due to the fact that they never saw people having steaks and wine or 满汗全席 for breakfasts. Well, alright, even I think i become so weird to the point that is funny.

i had this liquor at Corey's. "Knot" if i didnt spell it wrongly. That is damn good. I am not a flavor person, that i do not emphasize on the taste of liquor or wine or coffee, different brands are not too different for me. Knot is definitely the best stuff i've had so far in these few years. Oh and ya, the Latte in Wildwood is slightly better that it in Singapore, and of course much better than it in China. Tho' i found the way that Americans pronounce "Latte" pretty funny.

Gotta go to the bank, then supermarket, then go to work at 5.30p.m. Boy, life is still a mess. I can't even remember how to walk to these places.

Strike

I have been in the States for a week, technically 11 days.
The mood is getting better, in the sense of that am not feeling sad anymore.

Wildwood is a fine city, i think I like it. Quiet, near the beach, friendly locals and fat sea gulls flying around. I like the sea, tho' am still pretty scared to get into it.

Work is tough, maybe its because that's my first job? I have no idea. Now i feel like to remain as a student.
Life is not easy, money is not easy to make, and scholarship and bond are actually not to bad.

I am leading a routine life, too routine that I can't get used to it; wake up around 8 in the morning n sleep no later than 1. drinking milk n cooking my own meals. I still smoke, not a lot but the weather is designed for it.

my skin are dry n clean, my body is getting thinner, I even stop using luxury facial treatments, instead i use the traditional Chinese lotion. Life is getting simpler n simpler, too simple that i feel fake.

was checking the news about China earthquake. Bitter. a disaster, indeed. I love my country that I can't just be "cool" as usual and ignore her pain. My motherland is crying and that strikes my heart. I feel helpless. I am doing whatever I can but I can't get the souls back. People are suffering, there are children looking for their parents, lovers who are aparted, lands that have disappeared.

we learn from the tragedy. we learn how to love.
we feel the pain we cry.
Tears make us stronger.

太乱了

这个世界真是乱得可以了。

刘承楷垃圾胃食物中毒了。
不会跳舞的考上北舞了。
我做完2301的final paper了。
美金跌过心碎边缘了。
小宁小姐跟我聊天用英文了。
刘承楷和我每天只吃一顿了。
qq里还有人认识我了。

omg,世界真奇妙。

小黄花茶

Somehow I'm addicted to this yellow flower tea. Small dry yellow flower, some orange. Nameless.

茶是神奇的液体。我有茶叶数种。叫不上名字，也不懂区分。唯一的辨别方式是喝，还未必能喝得出名字，只能对得上样子。
绿茶不说了。

花茶里最喜欢的是干柠檬和小黄花。小黄花是有奇怪味道的干花，尤其用热水冲过后会有死壁虎的气息。只能用冰水长时间浸泡。图快的话可以用滚水冲泡两次再加冰水。于是没了尸味只有余下的清香。

中国家中有茶叶无数。多是绿茶。熊勇弄来的。他不喜欢花哨的茶水譬如茉莉花茶，只愿纯粹的绿茶。估计他也不爱menthol的香烟。只愿抽他的中华。

近来有些烟不离手。近来美金跌得让人心碎。

春光乍泄

这几天发生的事情太累人了。也很诡异。
我没有想过说会说出口，也没有想到马克思是这样extreme. 无论如何过去的都过去了。我同他还是好好的。

看了春光乍泄。王家卫拍的很老的一部片。想看了很久。
梁朝伟和张国荣，还有青涩的张震。拍摄地在阿根廷。内容涉及爱情，及gay。

电影前半段看着很累人，黑白片。后来不知从何时起开始有了暗沉的色调。

南友飞住的那房间我很喜欢。岩石墙壁，木桌，红色沙发，钢丝床。
重点是朝海，风速恰当。可以看见清澈的光线以及桌布被吹起来的完美角度。

张震在戏里的演技很奇怪，我无法定义他是那时候演技太嫩还是王家卫要求他演出这样一个说话神态语调怪异的台湾年轻男子。总而言之不是我喜欢的张震。是太幼齿的张震。

看戏之前的很久看过影评，记得谈到那盏瀑布跑马灯。戏中的灯非常美丽。非常非常。所以我不拿words来糟蹋它。


现在是晚上11：42， 我在马克思家。睡意昂然却无法入眠。似乎又是对这个房间的不适应。
一直以为自己身体的周边适应能力很强。谁知道也是个屁。
明早要早起同他家人一起去church。这辈子没有去过教堂，以前也从未打算要去。我想我对神的理解是非常肤浅的。肤浅到连一点深入了解的意愿也没有。我只是佩服教会的耐心，却没有跟神沟通的信心。


五月初要去bintan，Indonesia. 第一次去印尼。其实最初想去的是Bali.只是廉价机票售完，正常机票太贵我负担不起。同qishu说从美国回来之后去奥克兰，和男朋友一起去。我不懂有没有这个可能性。希望如此。

hurt

Lingyi is hurt.
She feels the pain. She feels the pain. She feels the pain.

She promised to take care of herself. She failed. She got hurt.

She doesn't want to know why. She knows why.







在我心上用力开一枪，让一切停止在这声巨响。

Somehow I am not studying

There is gonna be an important test 1 hour later.
somehow am not studying.

刚才看了些东西。起伏了下但总归还是平静。我想我不应该因为不认识的人伤神。过去了就过去了。想多了就没了读书的心情。

不说人了。说政治。
西藏的一切来势汹汹。
不是很明白history。我不敢说中国几十年前的“解放西藏“是不是某种形式上的侵略。我只知道西藏没有中国了只能继续破布烂衫下去。
dalailama我没有研究过。僧人我也是不敢多做文章妄加评论的。只是这一堆堆闹剧弄得天下不太平倒是挺恶心的。

要独立抢个火炬有什么屁用，那根东西不过就是个形式。
要独立鼓吹藏民打杂抢有什么屁用，抢了烧了也没见谁富裕起来。
要独立拿个设计粗糙的旗这里挥挥那里挥挥有什么用，中国国旗拿的人多着。

要独立要有那个实力，不然在家坐着收补助还是比较划得来的。
有时候信仰就是个屁。

Sometimes love just ain't enough

其姝发来她婚礼的video。很感动。看完甚至怀疑她之前想法的荒谬性。

抽下不少的烟。我不是很理解自己情绪上的波动。只是有这样的一种烦躁不安。
我希望自己被动一点，再被动一点。甚至冷血一点，再冷血一点。像这样地惶恐下去很荒唐，也没有逻辑。

我被所谓的relationship牵扯及困扰住。relationship本身就是乱七八糟的事情。我不懂我有多爱你，也不懂你有多爱我。更不明白现在这样子我是为了什么。
i think i need a break from all this shit. 从开始到现在我就是觉得委屈。即使不是天大的委屈。没有办法甩脱的阴影何必再强迫自己假装不在乎假装开心。无知的时候我虐待过自己，现在长这么大已经没有什么理由继续。

I am not happy, you got it?
If you think you've been treating me so well, treat me better.

天真

锐减的blog似乎说明了我生活重心的倾斜。
其实是很害怕的。就像歪了的脊椎很难矫正回来一样。我怕自己习惯了某样的生活某一个人然后失去了原有的重心。哪一天重心不稳该怎么办。

有很多东西我无法预测，搅尽脑汁也无法预测。简单地希望现在这一切是永恒的，虽然明白永恒的东西并不是抽象的。好比说死亡是永恒的，爱情是抽象的。

起码我有幸福的感觉。欣慰无比。



文文有事求我帮忙。进退两难。一方面不放心他的天真简单，另一方面又毫无疑问地想要帮他。anyway, 我想以我现在的能力，能做的已经做了。希望他可以成功，真的真的。
其姝又在婚前发来emotional 信件，我在她婚后答复。原因是不希望她被别人的言辞左右。毕竟婚姻是她自己的事情，这期间的情绪跌宕是只有她自己能控制的。


手机在du那天被偷。其实很不愿意用偷这个字眼因为很心酸。我宁愿天真相信是它自己长脚跑掉了。手机没了的同时失去了几乎所有的联系电话。这是让我很恼火的。大约老天觉得我的生活需要被彻底清理一便。我只能安慰自己，用无数天真的理由。

Routine

Evocation是个累人的活。结束之后长喘了许久。
遇见daniel来捧场，而且他同choreographer竟是认识的。the world is small。
ensemble是傲慢的一个团体，演出完之后的一个结论。并不觉得自己完全融入了。我是真的在很认真的train。也只是在很认真的train。

听说其姝已经回去新西兰。在国内的几个月夜夜笙歌。写去email没见回复。大约是还在调时差。我倒是很急切地想拿到那个口琴项链。

渐渐发现我的回忆已经所剩无几。很多事情想不起来，想起来的也没有多大触动。奇怪的很。
不清楚是因为我过得太开心还是什么。

可怎么越来越觉得自己掉进一种routine? 而且还是别人的routine.
有什么大不了吗?
有啊。

路在何方

我在struggle. 许多的project摆在眼前。
我是极其拖拉的，deadline前三天才会开始工作的人。
因为小时候学过“车到山前必有路“ 这句话。这句话二十年来都被我发挥得淋漓尽致。也可能是过分淋漓尽致了。
这次我找不大到那条路。我卡住了。卡得严重得很。

去U.S.的一切手续都办妥。却已经没有了热情。其实好像从来就没有很大热情。从最开始就是抱着打算了就要做的心态。
大概在某种程度上是被儿女私情牵扯住了。我向来是这种没前途的类型的人。

facebook上的运气饼干抽到一句新的，记不大清楚，貌似是这么说的 what's the word you want to live your whole life with?
我想了半天也想不到答案。最后憋出happy这个词。但又自讨苦吃。
我不是那么清楚我快乐不快乐。以后都不要提起这两个字。 郁闷。

去找路去了.....

我有点累。

我感觉累了。
我的处境让自己觉得尴尬。
我不该这样累下去。

生日快乐

写在十九岁的尾巴上。
今晚心情级差，生日应该是兴奋的事情把。

我不懂为何有这样的心情，大概是因为近两年的生日都很荒谬。
大概是因为过两天过年。大概是因为我缺乏爱。大概是我突然想念某些人。
不知道这样说话会不会太冲动。但的确是很悲伤。一年来前所未有的悲伤。

并没有谁做错什么事情，只是我的原因。我就是这样莫名其妙。

我不需要什么，又或者是我太需要什么。

生日快乐，我对自己说。

年轻岁月

我不要到二十岁。我受不了。我只要做teenager。
以上这句话很幼齿。活了快20年还说这样的一些字眼算是牛逼的了.

非常的累。身体憔悴。毛病百出。有时候我很迟蠢，迟钝愚蠢，无法安排生活，没能力handle周身的所有琐事。结果是导致精神枯萎，反应迟钝，感情麻木，身体不健康。我只是太想把所有的事情都做好，却忘了我只有一个脑袋两只手。

有不太熟识却认识的人去世。我很难过。我是不能承受死亡讯息的人。我已承受了太多。不想多说，轻生总归是死者自己的决定。我不理解，但是尊重。一路走好。希望那是一种解脱。

new term的几门课较有趣。尽管满lt的人都保持无聊的表情。尽管我在type着这些字眼。

home

December 31st, 2007

somehow I feel like writing few words down by the end of the year.
no matter what had happened in the past one year, I declare that I am happy now, and the new year will be more fabulous.

That is a wish for myself, also for us.

从武宁回到南昌，一路上车开得风风火火。路过扬州吃了顿久违的炖黄丫头。黄丫头是肉质细腻的河鱼。公路两旁依旧是连片的农庄。只是冬日里景色有些木讷。不知道今后会不会再有机会那样频繁的回武宁。同朋友在小城新开的咖啡馆中聊天，没有束缚地。同家人在一起总有这样那样的忌讳，有时是一种幸福，有时是一种束缚。