Song for Today: Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
转眼天就黑了，雨就砸下来了。大得跟什么似的。
醒来后蒙蒙胧胧地去science library读书。打印了一寸厚的notes。回来后看书，洗衣服，吃饭。
本来约了人一起去library。 被放鸽子。也就他妈的算了。再本来应该见面的6个小时之后打通电话，人家在睡觉，被我吵醒了。
然后到头来我变成了那个惹人嫌的人。
我就纳闷了，这年头杀人放火的才是爷么？那我真是一直太给某些人面子了。
Seriously, pack your tight ass, go to hell and get burnt.
27.11.09
26.11.09
She
Song for Today: I'm Officially Missing You - Tamia
"Grandma said she was lonely. "
Bo told me so.
I almost bursted out a cry, realizing that it's been 2 months since the last time I called grandma.
She is 76 year old. Grandpa past away when I was ten, since then grandma has been all alone.
She refused to stay with any of her children for long term, the excuses were always that "she is used to live by herself","Her friends are all in the small town" "She doesn't like city life".... I know the real reason behind all these is that she doesn't wanna become the one extra person in a household who would somehow look awkward in the picture.
Altho' all of the children of her would love to have her staying with em, but she is stubborn enough to to keep her dignity.
And that is what I am worried about, also what I am so concern but could do nothing about.
I hate grandpa for his leaving. Not only because I love him so much, but also that he left one person, whose hand that was supposed to be held by him 'till the end of both their lives, alone in the world.
If life is short, I don't want her to feel alone in any part of it.
If life is fragile, I want her to be more fragile so she wouldn't try so hard to be tough.
If life is precious, I want her to know that she is the most precious person in the family, and in my life.
"Grandma said she was lonely. "
Bo told me so.
I almost bursted out a cry, realizing that it's been 2 months since the last time I called grandma.
She is 76 year old. Grandpa past away when I was ten, since then grandma has been all alone.
She refused to stay with any of her children for long term, the excuses were always that "she is used to live by herself","Her friends are all in the small town" "She doesn't like city life".... I know the real reason behind all these is that she doesn't wanna become the one extra person in a household who would somehow look awkward in the picture.
Altho' all of the children of her would love to have her staying with em, but she is stubborn enough to to keep her dignity.
And that is what I am worried about, also what I am so concern but could do nothing about.
I hate grandpa for his leaving. Not only because I love him so much, but also that he left one person, whose hand that was supposed to be held by him 'till the end of both their lives, alone in the world.
If life is short, I don't want her to feel alone in any part of it.
If life is fragile, I want her to be more fragile so she wouldn't try so hard to be tough.
If life is precious, I want her to know that she is the most precious person in the family, and in my life.
20.11.09
比较
Song for today: Time for Miracles by Adam Lambert
time for miracles 是首好歌。2012的主题曲。很old fashion，很aerosmith。不是我通常会喜欢的那种，但是我喜欢。
看了会书。看到心理学有关"seven sins of memory". 虽然我还没有看完，但是有关记忆的这章的确很有意思。也让人受益匪浅。
至少我现在懂了为什么想忘记的东西总是很难忘记。
最近觉得身边充满了比较。你和我的比较，他和她的比较，这个和那个的比较。我不喜欢比较也不大有意识地做比较。但我承认我会下意识地比较。比如说这个女的比那个女的漂亮，这个男的比那个男的聪明，这个国家比那个国家有生活质量。云云。
但有些不成熟的比较真的让我有点莫名其妙地火大。譬如你觉得你高我一等因为你吃过河豚我没吃过，你觉得你去过火星就当自己是外星人了？当然没人真的拿河豚和火星来做比较，我只是在举个例子。想说的话其实是，我拜托有些人成熟点。你爱比较是你的事，可你那点东西真的没有什么值得摆弄的地方。第一你有的那些别人那还都有，只是别人不爱显摆。第二那些东西有意无意，好吧就算是无意，拿出来显摆有意思么？要觉得有意思你继续，但我真是觉得没意思。第三，我没发飙是因为我脾气好，再一个我把你当朋友，但是我也有实在看不惯的时候。等我真的看不下去了那你可能就要丢人了。
好吧，上一段是骂人。我承认我不成熟了。当我最近考试压力大好了。是时候玩一下游戏了。
书上这段刚好提及 the serial position effect。 举个例子也就是10个单词理论上来说第一个和最后一个最容易被记住，但中间的比较难由于both proactive and retroactive interferences对于中间内容的影响。所以在我reach中段前应该缓冲下下。这样中间内容就会变成新的开始。
看我心理学学得多好啊。
time for miracles 是首好歌。2012的主题曲。很old fashion，很aerosmith。不是我通常会喜欢的那种，但是我喜欢。
看了会书。看到心理学有关"seven sins of memory". 虽然我还没有看完，但是有关记忆的这章的确很有意思。也让人受益匪浅。
至少我现在懂了为什么想忘记的东西总是很难忘记。
最近觉得身边充满了比较。你和我的比较，他和她的比较，这个和那个的比较。我不喜欢比较也不大有意识地做比较。但我承认我会下意识地比较。比如说这个女的比那个女的漂亮，这个男的比那个男的聪明，这个国家比那个国家有生活质量。云云。
但有些不成熟的比较真的让我有点莫名其妙地火大。譬如你觉得你高我一等因为你吃过河豚我没吃过，你觉得你去过火星就当自己是外星人了？当然没人真的拿河豚和火星来做比较，我只是在举个例子。想说的话其实是，我拜托有些人成熟点。你爱比较是你的事，可你那点东西真的没有什么值得摆弄的地方。第一你有的那些别人那还都有，只是别人不爱显摆。第二那些东西有意无意，好吧就算是无意，拿出来显摆有意思么？要觉得有意思你继续，但我真是觉得没意思。第三，我没发飙是因为我脾气好，再一个我把你当朋友，但是我也有实在看不惯的时候。等我真的看不下去了那你可能就要丢人了。
好吧，上一段是骂人。我承认我不成熟了。当我最近考试压力大好了。是时候玩一下游戏了。
书上这段刚好提及 the serial position effect。 举个例子也就是10个单词理论上来说第一个和最后一个最容易被记住，但中间的比较难由于both proactive and retroactive interferences对于中间内容的影响。所以在我reach中段前应该缓冲下下。这样中间内容就会变成新的开始。
看我心理学学得多好啊。
16.11.09
电影以及怀念
I don't know why I am writing my blog in English; like I was some kinda English girl who speaks in a childish way day after day with no hesitate.
看了2012。不错. 虽然还是给我《knowing》+《titanic》等多重电影合并的感觉。 看电影的时候我在想，如果玛雅人的预言是真的，地壳大运转的那一刻我会是拿着green card上船的人，偷渡的人，同黄石那个疯子查理一样欣赏世界末日的人，还是像adrian博士他老爸一样要double whiskey shots 然后自己哭一下的人。答案冲出来的速度没有让我太惊讶。倒是旁边俩大姐的啜泣声让我以为电影里又要多出几个不该死的人。
说到死掉的角色。
我不明白curtis的前任老婆的男朋友（忘了叫啥）为什么要在长时间照顾了女人及女人两孩子加上驾飞机救了全家包括curtis之后被活生生地像猪肉一样被绞死。女人也在她男朋友死后的30分钟内，接吻就算了勉强可以接受，对自己的前任老公说出了“我爱你“这种cheesy的对白。编剧想得是周到，curtis是hero，hero deserves a fair lady in every single show. 可能大家都感动。只是患难见真情这种戏码不应该硬加在另一个人的死亡上，更而况死地也不是什么坏人，虽然是长得一般。
不说这个了。蛮压抑的一个电影。
早上12点起床。磨磨唧唧干了些事吃了个泡面之后在房间里运动，literally, 了很久。 然后又去游了几下泳。导致现在腹肌酸疼。运动很讨厌，但我对它的厌恶之情少过于赘肉。所以我还屁颠屁颠运动去了。之后在tiong bahru吃了很久没吃却让我失望的kimchi soup，买了个不到4块钱长得很幼稚带有小猫图案还非要仿人家lv design的零钱袋。 想到了和小花在纽约皇后辛苦找非日韩餐馆还end up吃了两天的泡菜和sushi的日子。
我很想念去年那些日子。哪怕我们两需要搭很久的地铁奔波于破烂的皇后区和金光闪闪的曼哈顿，要和其它几个不认识的女生住在本来就很破烂的L.A.的一个充满水烟和到处撒尿男子的hostel，要寄人篱下脸贴着豪华别墅纱窗偷抽烟，以及其它的种种。
相比之下。我的目前以及邻近的将来就如同hall里常年不变还很难吃的dinner。
我又吃了一包泡面。手臂肌肉也开始酸疼。
看了2012。不错. 虽然还是给我《knowing》+《titanic》等多重电影合并的感觉。 看电影的时候我在想，如果玛雅人的预言是真的，地壳大运转的那一刻我会是拿着green card上船的人，偷渡的人，同黄石那个疯子查理一样欣赏世界末日的人，还是像adrian博士他老爸一样要double whiskey shots 然后自己哭一下的人。答案冲出来的速度没有让我太惊讶。倒是旁边俩大姐的啜泣声让我以为电影里又要多出几个不该死的人。
说到死掉的角色。
我不明白curtis的前任老婆的男朋友（忘了叫啥）为什么要在长时间照顾了女人及女人两孩子加上驾飞机救了全家包括curtis之后被活生生地像猪肉一样被绞死。女人也在她男朋友死后的30分钟内，接吻就算了勉强可以接受，对自己的前任老公说出了“我爱你“这种cheesy的对白。编剧想得是周到，curtis是hero，hero deserves a fair lady in every single show. 可能大家都感动。只是患难见真情这种戏码不应该硬加在另一个人的死亡上，更而况死地也不是什么坏人，虽然是长得一般。
不说这个了。蛮压抑的一个电影。
早上12点起床。磨磨唧唧干了些事吃了个泡面之后在房间里运动，literally, 了很久。 然后又去游了几下泳。导致现在腹肌酸疼。运动很讨厌，但我对它的厌恶之情少过于赘肉。所以我还屁颠屁颠运动去了。之后在tiong bahru吃了很久没吃却让我失望的kimchi soup，买了个不到4块钱长得很幼稚带有小猫图案还非要仿人家lv design的零钱袋。 想到了和小花在纽约皇后辛苦找非日韩餐馆还end up吃了两天的泡菜和sushi的日子。
我很想念去年那些日子。哪怕我们两需要搭很久的地铁奔波于破烂的皇后区和金光闪闪的曼哈顿，要和其它几个不认识的女生住在本来就很破烂的L.A.的一个充满水烟和到处撒尿男子的hostel，要寄人篱下脸贴着豪华别墅纱窗偷抽烟，以及其它的种种。
相比之下。我的目前以及邻近的将来就如同hall里常年不变还很难吃的dinner。
我又吃了一包泡面。手臂肌肉也开始酸疼。
11.11.09
A kiss, a hug, and a voice
I have a project to finish tonight. 2 guys have thrown their semi done work to me and expected me to finish their shits, clean their mess and wipe their asses. Another girl, disappeared on earth. I slept last night off so tonight i expected a karma. I am ready and yet I am sleepy.
No one laughs at God in the hospital, no one laughs at God in a war. I certainly worship God tonight.
I broke a glass. There are right now still broken pieces on my floor and since i didn't clean them up last night, I decided to let it be and started wearing shoes in my room. I know one piece just cut my foot few hours ago, but i need something to keep me sober from some nonsenses.
I bumped into few people who I had not meet for a while. All of them asked me the same question, "Started looking for a job yet?" And I told all of them "No and gimme a break." And seriously, gimme a break.
I bought a bottle of vodka, intended to open by the weekend. However I had a glass last night and if I knew myself right, another cup tonight. Hooray. Life sucks yet still nice with certain wonderful things.
I want a kiss, a hug and a voice that tells me how wonderful I am.
9.11.09
A beautiful Mess
Song for today - So Sick by Ne-Yo
Once in a while I tend to listen to some old songs that I once deleted from my play list. I know Ne-Yo's pretty fresh. The song s not. Lately its been Dido, Jason Mraz and Ne-yo.
I bought a pack of cigarettes, hence I think I have the strength to write few boredom before sleep.
Recently I've been doing this meaningful-supposed-to-be musical show which turned out to be something wasted. In terms of money, human resources, and of course, time. However, It is not my business to judge, I'm just one of the dancers employed by somebody. You pay me money, I dance what the choreographer taught. Besides, I know nothing about musical, drama or whatsoever. One more show tomorrow and I am getting out of this endless £@$.
Watched My Sister's Keeper, which did make me cry my ass off. While nowadays everybody is pretending to smile 'till they are afraid to cry, I am glad that my tear gland functions. Didn't really learn much from the movie, only that I saw a love distortion, or rather a beautiful mess.
Insecurity comes into play pretty often during my recent conversation with friends. A girl was talking about how insecure her boyfriend feels about her. Another one was telling me how insecure this guy, whom she got a crush on, was. Most of the time I kept silent, ignored the talking and thought about this word "insecurity".
So the question is, why are the men today so insecure? And why are women still so obsessed with insecure guys? Wouldn't that quality be a huge turn off? Drop it.
Lately I've been repeating a sentence, or rather 3 words, to myself quite frequently - now or never. Gotta call myself a loser for being kinda Indecisive. But I guess the answer now is a Never. And to be a little more rational and a little less sensitive, the answer should be final. After all I am a busy girl with a very heavy schedule. Gotta be efficient.
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