Judgmental

Song for today - Welcome to the working week by Elvis Costello




It's been ... a while since I started working in this game company. So far so good. I should say that my life in Singapore has finally moved to a stable spot. I'm thankful.

My ex boyfriend deleted me from his Facebook friend list, right after he sent me this SMS mentioning about "I dreamed about you." I had to admit how ridiculous I felt about this move if his. Nevertheless, I agree on "judge less and everybody's got a reason." So, good luck to you and wish your life become better without my existence.

Speaking of judgmental, I was judged earlier today by somebody for the way that I talk to my colleagues (My bosses actually). I told him to zip&drop it after he told me his opinion and right before his elaboration. I know he was gonna tell me that the way that I talked to the bosses was too casual or something like that. But hey look, if I do not judge you on your way of living or talking, I don't think it's smart for you to amend mine whilst we apparently are different. After all, if it was me who was telling you that, "Hey, I think your immature way of being tight-ass is absofuckinglutely idiotic. ", you ain't gonna be pleased, nor thankful, will you?

So, let's just be stupid or inappropriate in each other's eyes and live peacefully together, since, you know, it's unavoidable under present situation.

Oh gosh, I am so easy to get pissed, STILL. Haha.

All sorts of waiting....

Song for today - Love the way you lie by Eminem & Rihanna

- For a job -



It's been a month since I started looking for job. Everybody's right, it's way harder than you think.
I am not enjoying the period, hated the tight-ass interviews, the obscure talks and the elusive results.
I need a job. It will be all I need to center my life. Sitting in a air-conditioned house, spending 12 hours in bed, another 12 on computers and swimming pool is really pulling the trigger. Once again, I need a job.


- For a phone call -



I've been waiting for a phone call ever since Thanksgiving. You said you'd call the next day but I've never heard from you ever since. Anyway, I don't have much to say, just three sentences. I thought... might well just spit it here since I ain't gonna talk to you anyway.

"How are you?"
"Where are you, New York? San Francisco?"
"I miss you. "


- Closure -



I am not fond of this game that I am playing. In fact I want out long ago. This another player has been dragging me to stay. Well then, I might not be a tough bitch, but don't cry when I take the head of your queen, 'cause I swear I will kill your queen.

梦中人

Song for today: 梦中人 by Faye Wong



He looked like he was 18 years old, with such a clean face and hair style which appeared like the tail of a squirrel.
He was a silent one, but I knew that he could do that split in-the-air with one hand on the ground.

One word drew the flame on my cheeks. One glimpse hit the cherry taste on my tongue. And when he waved his arms to say goodbye, I knew I was looking at another me.

The boy was certainly a lovely one.

I knew I'd never feel the same if I saw him again.
I don't even know if I can see him again.

It's gonna be fun

Song for today - 身骑白马 (Riding on a white horse) by Lala.

There was this family photo on Facebook of my ex boyfriend M, in which he was tagged together with his current girlfriend. I am actually happy for him, like seriously, not being sarcastic here. In those photos I also saw his youngest niece, who was a new born when I was still in his family photo. And now she is a two-year-old.

Time flies. And it felt kinda strange when I realized how long I was away from his life. Yi Shu the Hong Kong writer once wrote down a sentence - Don't be friends after you break up with the one you were once in love with, because at least one of you had been hurt; Don't be enemies neither, because you loved each other. Okay, pretty sure this was not what she said originally, but let's just get the point here and forget about the originality.

All I wanna say is that I think I'd agree with this theory.

_________________________________________________


Last night I was struggling with my own emotions after two shots of Black Label, JW. Nothing related to my love life.
Some pictures were flashing in my brain - the arguments that I've had with people, friends or not, the bitchy talks I've done to people, bosses or not, the secrets which I should have kept with myself but I told others, necessarily or not.
I started re-considering the motivation behind all. Base on my own judgement, was I doing the right thing or was I actually being a bitch, or rather a immature hypocrite? I know it's getting a little bit confusing here. All I wanted to say was that, I was very upset to realize that I had been harsh on the others yet compromising to myself. One step back, who is not? Nevertheless, I wanna be a good person, or at least a person who makes sense. And, to find the balance of getting sufficient selfishness and rational respect to others, it's gonna be .... fun.

Potamophobia

I'm not even sure if I have Patamophobia or something beyond it. I know I'd not go into the ocean, however, the house pool drove me nuts tonight when I was trying to get some exercise, alone. Okay, to be fair, I swam for 15 mins and even my house mate Aaron agreed with me that the lighting in that pool at night was kinda freaky.

I have a perfect reason for not going into water, especially running water, e.g. the ocean or any river, fucking yeah, rivers are worse; Somehow I believe that there exist some sort of monster in deep water. Actually to be more specific, monster or not, I'm afraid of the livings in deep water, such as an alligator, sea snake or whatever shit that can kill me in that vulnerable environment.

I don't know when did this phobia thing start, 'cause I remembered how much I loved water when I was a kid, and the last time I was swimming in the ocean freely with no, or rather very little fear was when I was a freshman in college.

My psychology book told me that all kinds of phobias are categorized as psychology abnormality - big word yet well.... People are all abnormal in one way or another, aren't we?




I was drinking wine in my backyard and watching the kids from the orphanage, right next door, playing soccer. They don't know me, but I was cheering for them.

Blog on the run

Song for today - Be be your love by Rachael Yamagata




I spent 3 days building the furniture which i purchased from IKEA.
Now I officially live in this tiny little room which looks like one of those showrooms in IKEA.
So size does not matter no more. The point is, I, now, have a roof.

My ex boyfriend called me two days ago, asking me on the phone "Do you wanna talk to me?"
I don't know, I just think that if I call somebody on the phone, this question seems too dump to ask.
So no, I don't wanna talk to you, especially after such a chaos happened in the past 6 months, especially after you accused me, and still accusing me for some really bad stuff which I would not do to you or anyone even if I hated you as a alligator.

End of the story.



A note I wrote down in my "New York" notebook when I was traveling in China.

A MONTH OF THINKING

When I woke up in this huge King size bed in a whatever hotel in Haikou city, China, I thought about this man and our complex relationship, past tense.

A month of thinking cleared my head out. I was no longer angry or crazily pissed or whatever adj. you can think of to describe my feeling towards him one month ago.

Instead, I do start cherishing the good moments and I gave the whole thing the word "pity". That is how I feel now. It was a pity that "us" did not work out, at least not in the way that I was expecting.

So I am writing down all these words, to officially forgive you, and myself (I play so fair)for ruining our love together, and to officially move on with my life, forgetting about the unhappiness and the unnecessary dramas, or rather chaos.

I don't love you no more. But, I will remember I did and how that felt.

The silent town

Song for today : Wake me up when September ends by GREEN DAY


This picture sucks.:(




My contract ended last Sunday. Had to say, there was a little bit sorrow for leaving this job. I did not love it, yet it was a piece of memory. Good memory.

Monday to Thursday, Wildwood became a ghost town with barely five people walking on the street, including me and two friends of mine. The wind blew so hard, i had to beg for an extra jacket.

Monday was easy and unusual, no work.

Tuesday was in AC. Lost 200 bucks on the gambling table, management dinner at Borgata, drinking game with another four in our hotel rooms. It was a good night, despite the fact that we had to wake up at 10 in the morning to check out.

I wish time would freeze and let me enjoy this life a little bit lomger. But I know I gotta return to reality, to my reality.

I could have re-scheduled my plane ticket to fly back home. However, living in this town is becoming like smoking weeds; You don't quite enjoy it, yet you don't see the point of not doing it.

So it is better to cut it off. My life has to move on, to a point that I can start again, to a point that I don't have to deal with your face, his impact or her image.



I do wanna leave, 'cause the loved ones had made my days so beautiful that I would be afraid of losing them soon.

Oh God, how am I gonna say goodbye?

Proposal

This post was originally done on my iTouch at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I decided to make some modification 'cause writing on your iTouch makes words stupid.

Somebody proposed to his girl at top glow yesterday.
WOW.

Two guys were talking to my operators in Top Glow, a water gun game on the boardwalk.
One of them was gonna propose to his girlfriend. Here came their plan, might sound rough but it is how it went.

Five of them were gonna play the game, the girl is gonna win of course, Josh(the operator) would give her a purple puppy as a prize, and the RING is hidden under the puppy's head.

I decided to wait by the game and watch how this plan would work out, 'cause it did sound totally random and rough to me as a proposal.


Ten minutes later the girl showed up. She was wearing sweat shirt, a pair of shorts and flip-flops, also a tattoo on her right ankle. Her hair was wet from the sweat. she was sitting by the game with a box of popcorn in her hand,looking completely bored. Anyway, she was ordinary enough for me to just walk pass by without any second look.

Everything went as planned. She won, he kneed down and popped the question.

The popcorn girl said YES.

They are engaged.

And now she is no longer ordinary to me. Her smile and tears were so beautiful that Nobody could neglect.

This was my first time witnessing a proposal. I was gonna cry I admit it. Well, I wish them a happy ending.

So there is always a miracle. No matter it happens on you or me or she or he.

July

Nobody knows how I feel right now.
Not even myself.


I was not afraid of your fist, but I was afraid of losing you.
I am no longer afraid of losing anything, but I am afraid of you.


I am laughing like always, but once again, deep inside of that heart, it's where the bitterness at.

Hungry Heart

Song for today - Hungry heart by Bruce Springsteen



I almost forgot that I had heard it 'till Rainbow boy rocked it on the bench in the center of the amusement park.
A minute ago it popped up on the radio. Had to say, powerful song.

I am enjoying my life. I am.

Meanwhile, my old life on the other side of the earth seems so strange. When I saw my college friends pictures taken on the graduation ceremony. Weirdly, I don't think that i've missed anything. Altho' everybody kept saying that you gotta go for your college graduation. Blah blah blah.

Oh well, nothing much to say. I guess i am really doing good.

If I don't belong here, why am I even trying?

The sick smell from the ocean reminds me that I am still in Wildwood.

There was a reason for me to come back here. Honestly, it no longer exists.
Same old words, i am trying to be happy, yet I am losing the original purpose.

And to be fair, Me myself played the part destroying my happiness too.

Thus, I don't blame you for everything, However, i blame you for 80% of it.

If my feeling means nothing to you, it goes somewhere else.

Wild Wood

I try to enjoy my time and leave worries behind.
Guess I am not doing great about that.

The neighbor's kid Max was walking their dog Daisy on the yard. I stopped by and said hi.
I wish my life could be just as simple as his smile and her lick.

But still, my heart is broken and I can't even find the pieces.

the triggers

Song for today - Telephone by Lady GaGa


有些小细节可以让人怒火冲天可以让人抓狂。我不知道是不是人人都如此，至少我是。
打个比方，

scenario 1 － 我的名字被人写成，“Ling Yi”, instead of “Lingyi”.
This drives me crazy, 尤其在出此差错的人是国人的情况下。原因很简单。
（1）写对人家的名字是常识。中国人知道怎么给复名写拼音也是常识。不懂常识的人，我找不到理由不对其发火。
（2）而且大家都身在国外，你懂一个空格可以给我造成多大的不便。说小了，只是写错我名字，说大了，支票上你把我名字这么写我兑不了现。
（3）你写Lingyi我是中国人, 你写Ling Yi，我就变成了马来西亚人或者新加坡人。


scenario 2 － 你给我说他妈的好好的一句话，后边加句不屑的，充满鄙夷之情的“谢谢”
很多人在跟人争论时会时不时来上这么一句，譬如a说，“纽约是个市不是个州啊”。b马上说“也有个州叫纽约州，谢谢”。
这个谢谢在你听起来不讨人厌么？总之非常惹我讨厌。哪怕我在这段对话里扮演的角色是c。


抒发一下感想，顺便表个态。

写在毕业的尾巴上

song for today: 无神论 by Stanley Huang

将近毕业。没什么作为。

工作没有弄妥。人有时是贱，没有工作想说随便谁丢个活给我吧，有了offer又挑三捡四不知好歹。

当然贱的不是我，我只有一个offer，我没有要。原因是我不喜欢老板的为人。

觉得是明智的决定。虽然生活现实，但需要尊重自己感受的时候我还是有那口气在的。所以姐要飘去另一个地方生活一段时间。干干活，跳跳舞，扫描一下人生，决定一下大方向。这样可以么？可以，在我还给得起自己一个选择得时候赶紧给吧，生不由己的时刻以后有的是机会来体验。

这一个月以来我很忙。具体忙什么也不想提了，反正要么忙完了不值得一提，要么还在忙中不想去提。

这一个月以来我脾气很不好。大致说一下就是跟谁都能吵看谁都别扭。当然了，我也没有真的出口伤几个人。因为脾气只是一时的，伤害人还是不好的。二十多岁的人了，这个道理还是懂的。说白了，我不欠你的，你也不欠我的，i don't care. 大家都爱咋咋地吧。

谈谈毕业感想。这个挺俗套的，但还是必须的。几年以后看今天起码大致知道学了4年学到了什么。

单纯谈学业，有点后悔。没有学好。有人给自己借口说没有学好是因为学了不想学的专业所以没有热情。我后悔为什么没有努力去找到自己想学的专业，然后哪怕有没有学好。

单纯谈舞蹈，有点后悔。没有尽力。我喜欢跳舞。不是club里面随便摆一摆手摇一腰屁股，也不是对着韩国偶像mv学几个耍帅的pose。我喜欢跳舞，难以言语，懂的人自然懂，不懂的人没有必要懂。总而言之是这辈子没有办法放弃的东西。而大学4年中，花了太多时间在没有价值的地方，譬如去club，譬如喝酒抽烟，譬如搞莫名其妙没有价值的男女关系。打个比方，我后悔我没有从30分的dancer变成70分，哪怕我现在是69分，何况maybe我只有50分。


单纯谈人际关系，欣慰。虽然遇上过烂人，也不算无数。虽然受到过bad influence,但好歹改过自新了。有真正的朋友。虽然不多，但是珍贵。谁当我是有利用价值的东西，谁当我是玩伴，谁当我是朋友，你清楚，我也清楚。或者你不清楚，但我清楚。


单纯谈人生观和价值观。太冗长的一个topic,下次开个专栏。


单纯谈爱情。没啥好谈的，就那么回事。


我的大学生活很美好，会怀念。

Weekend

Song for today - Absolutely Zero by Jason Mraz





So how do people define "weekend"? Church? Quality time? Sex in the morning?

My weekend is filled with dance rehearsals, bullshits and disturbing facts. And it has been like this for a while.

1 o'clock, A.M. on Sunday morning, after I got back from work and was gonna grab a beer with my friend, a student of mine called me, asking for a consultation on the spot. In fact he didn't even ask for it, he just started asking questions, assuming that I'd be willing to help. Technically he is not even my student, I am just a teaching assistant in the college. So we talked on MSN for 30 mins and the conversation was stupid to the point that I was yelling to my laptop monitor and wishing that the guy could hear me. This was the start of my weekend.

KK, I've done expressing my anger.
__________________________________________________________


I was eating my dinner at this cafeteria. There was this table beside me fully filled with exchange students, and based on the accent, British. Two interesting things happened.

A conversation first

Girl: I met a Chinese guy yesterday. He said they eat goat in China.

Fat Girl: He must smell like goat!

Guy: Lisa you are eating pork now.


I laughed out loud.


I was walking out the door, and a guy from the same table was walking in. I shifted to my right side so that we would not block each other. He shifted to the left. So that we almost bumped into each other. The conversation went like this:


China girl: Excuse me.
British guy: Hey, left hand traffic.
China girl: I drive on the right side of the road.
British guy: Where are you from?
China Girl: China.
British guy: Well, nobody else does that.
China girl: American.
British guy:.....
China girl: Canadian.
British guy: ....
China girl: Go Wikipedia first, then argue with me.
British guy: What is your name?
China girl: God bless you.


I could be quite a bitch, but only to stupid ones.

1 day left

You will tell me the truth.
I am waiting for it.

-

-

Tiny mind

Song for today - Free your mind by En Vogue






I had a new post at 4 a.m. Deleted it by 8 a.m.

Right, I don't have the guts after all.


I read somebody's "secret" blog later in my ecology class. The guy started writing the blog after cheating on his girlfriend. It took him 3 months to get a new girl while he was saying that he was gonna wait for the love of his life for three years and stop having casual sex. Ha.



This experience told that what you've said, you're saying, or you'd say does not really matter. Because we are human with big mouths but tiny minds. We roll our tongue to manipulate each other. So clearly, the post I uploaded earlier was just another example. I don't care if anybody has seen it. Not even you whom I actually wanna deliver the message to. So why would I delete it? 'cause I wanna pretend to be a nice person, not that I'm afraid to hurt someone.


Free ya mind, can you? 'cause I am trying.

The year of tiger

Song for today - Plane by Jason Mraz.



Lunar New Year falls on this Saturday, spring break. Could be a chance for me to get together with the family and celebrate, I just did not catch it. A friend invited me to join a small gathering on Chinese New Year Eve, glad that at least I've got somewhere to go ad someone to talk to on such a date.


Birthday celebrated at Cafe Delmar with the guys and Lady Alexis. I put on my new bebe top and got drunk. I definitely got the attention and appreciated the love from my friends, yet I was not sure if it was right for me. See, i actually felt guilty for going out, got wasted and missed my dance class the next day. I think I am pushing myself a little bit too hard here.

By the way, I did quit smoking, which is actually not too bad. The real depression is that lately I felt getting detached from some people, worse, not only one. I think there are holes somewhere in the communications, but I don't wanna talk about it 'cause apparently even talking does not change facts easily. And I am tired of making an effort over and over again 'till one day I lose the patience and confidence. Such as today.

The worst thing is, I am pretty sure that I am not wrong about what I feel. And I've tried reaching through you, but I don't have the faith to actually reach there. Not anymore. We are all self-conscious creatures after all. I totally get it.



P.S. Blizzard attacked Jersey. To those I care about, please be well.

If I kiss you where it's sore

Song for Today - Better by Regina Spektor






The sky is as blue as some of those 200 year old chinas. Oh rain, please rain.

If the bible says that hell is burning hot. I believe this island has the potential to be an entrance. Especially when a foreign man in suit suddenly yelled "Jesus Christ. God damn it." when he realized that he was on the wrong bus and had to get off and started walking under the aggressive sunshine. Instead of laughing, I started pitying him.

Welcome to the Sin City, babe.


February is coming. Which means Chinese New Year, Valentines', Birthdays are rolling over. I can easily foresee a sore month with excessive emotional flow and crankiness. Not only for myself, for everybody. Let's see, It shall be time&energy wasting, yet non-avoidable.


Men with masks were cutting grasses everywhere. Which explained well my sneezing, tearing, rash all over the body. I do hope this is the only reason that caused the above allergic symptoms.


I am kinda tired.

What do you want, what is that you need?

Song for today - I just don't love you anymore by Jann Arden


I what to be loved. I need attention, communication, promises, honesty and respect.
What do you want? What is that your need?
Tell me. Whathe hell do you want from me?

I want you, all i want is you. I plan my path, I calculate my energy, I make sense - I do all these in a way just like how the earth moves around the Sun. Am I clear enough? I think I am. I can't be more frank.

Yeah, but you have shits to do. Certainly you have shits to do.



You say you love me. Why don't you come and get me?
You say you love me. Why do I see holes in your words?
You say you love me. Why do you make me feel miserable?


I don't know what you want from me. I don't think we want the same thing. And I start doubting it.

Please. Please darling, stop me.

PGS

12 Jan, 2010
Flight 937 from Haikou, China to Singapore

One month is over. I am by myself again - with no family, no man, and no cheap cigarettes with me.

I am experiencing a crisis, which could possibly be named the PGS - Pre graduation syndrome. The major symptoms are:

- Lack of objective, career-wise;
- Excessive emotional flow
- Insecurity
- irrational thoughts such as becoming a stewardess(This one might be personal).

First time in my life time I actually lost track of life itself - completely frustrated, totally unplanned, yet still trying to avoid thinking about it.

There are blueprints, in fact I‘ve got four of them. However, none of them is desirable because the final choice of any one will cause me hell lot of troubles and perhaps hell lot more of future regrets.

There is one psychological theory saying that, behaviors manipulate thoughts, thus people tend to change or form their thoughts in ways which better explain or support their behaviors (which isn't exactly a good thing ). Together with my past personal experience taken into consideration, I figured that no matter which option I picked from the four, I'd talked myself a way out by the end of the day even if there was a regret.

Now the problem is, which option am I gonna choose? Or, to make this even harder, which three am i gonna abandon?