Wake up

Song for Today: Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

转眼天就黑了，雨就砸下来了。大得跟什么似的。

醒来后蒙蒙胧胧地去science library读书。打印了一寸厚的notes。回来后看书，洗衣服，吃饭。
本来约了人一起去library。 被放鸽子。也就他妈的算了。再本来应该见面的6个小时之后打通电话，人家在睡觉，被我吵醒了。
然后到头来我变成了那个惹人嫌的人。

我就纳闷了，这年头杀人放火的才是爷么？那我真是一直太给某些人面子了。

Seriously, pack your tight ass, go to hell and get burnt.

She

Song for Today: I'm Officially Missing You - Tamia


"Grandma said she was lonely. "

Bo told me so.

I almost bursted out a cry, realizing that it's been 2 months since the last time I called grandma.

She is 76 year old. Grandpa past away when I was ten, since then grandma has been all alone.
She refused to stay with any of her children for long term, the excuses were always that "she is used to live by herself","Her friends are all in the small town" "She doesn't like city life".... I know the real reason behind all these is that she doesn't wanna become the one extra person in a household who would somehow look awkward in the picture.

Altho' all of the children of her would love to have her staying with em, but she is stubborn enough to to keep her dignity.

And that is what I am worried about, also what I am so concern but could do nothing about.

I hate grandpa for his leaving. Not only because I love him so much, but also that he left one person, whose hand that was supposed to be held by him 'till the end of both their lives, alone in the world.

If life is short, I don't want her to feel alone in any part of it.
If life is fragile, I want her to be more fragile so she wouldn't try so hard to be tough.
If life is precious, I want her to know that she is the most precious person in the family, and in my life.

比较

Song for today: Time for Miracles by Adam Lambert


time for miracles 是首好歌。2012的主题曲。很old fashion，很aerosmith。不是我通常会喜欢的那种，但是我喜欢。

看了会书。看到心理学有关"seven sins of memory". 虽然我还没有看完，但是有关记忆的这章的确很有意思。也让人受益匪浅。
至少我现在懂了为什么想忘记的东西总是很难忘记。

最近觉得身边充满了比较。你和我的比较，他和她的比较，这个和那个的比较。我不喜欢比较也不大有意识地做比较。但我承认我会下意识地比较。比如说这个女的比那个女的漂亮，这个男的比那个男的聪明，这个国家比那个国家有生活质量。云云。

但有些不成熟的比较真的让我有点莫名其妙地火大。譬如你觉得你高我一等因为你吃过河豚我没吃过，你觉得你去过火星就当自己是外星人了？当然没人真的拿河豚和火星来做比较，我只是在举个例子。想说的话其实是，我拜托有些人成熟点。你爱比较是你的事，可你那点东西真的没有什么值得摆弄的地方。第一你有的那些别人那还都有，只是别人不爱显摆。第二那些东西有意无意，好吧就算是无意，拿出来显摆有意思么？要觉得有意思你继续，但我真是觉得没意思。第三，我没发飙是因为我脾气好，再一个我把你当朋友，但是我也有实在看不惯的时候。等我真的看不下去了那你可能就要丢人了。


好吧，上一段是骂人。我承认我不成熟了。当我最近考试压力大好了。是时候玩一下游戏了。

书上这段刚好提及 the serial position effect。 举个例子也就是10个单词理论上来说第一个和最后一个最容易被记住，但中间的比较难由于both proactive and retroactive interferences对于中间内容的影响。所以在我reach中段前应该缓冲下下。这样中间内容就会变成新的开始。

看我心理学学得多好啊。

电影以及怀念

I don't know why I am writing my blog in English; like I was some kinda English girl who speaks in a childish way day after day with no hesitate.

看了2012。不错. 虽然还是给我《knowing》+《titanic》等多重电影合并的感觉。 看电影的时候我在想，如果玛雅人的预言是真的，地壳大运转的那一刻我会是拿着green card上船的人，偷渡的人，同黄石那个疯子查理一样欣赏世界末日的人，还是像adrian博士他老爸一样要double whiskey shots 然后自己哭一下的人。答案冲出来的速度没有让我太惊讶。倒是旁边俩大姐的啜泣声让我以为电影里又要多出几个不该死的人。

说到死掉的角色。

我不明白curtis的前任老婆的男朋友（忘了叫啥）为什么要在长时间照顾了女人及女人两孩子加上驾飞机救了全家包括curtis之后被活生生地像猪肉一样被绞死。女人也在她男朋友死后的30分钟内，接吻就算了勉强可以接受，对自己的前任老公说出了“我爱你“这种cheesy的对白。编剧想得是周到，curtis是hero，hero deserves a fair lady in every single show. 可能大家都感动。只是患难见真情这种戏码不应该硬加在另一个人的死亡上，更而况死地也不是什么坏人，虽然是长得一般。


不说这个了。蛮压抑的一个电影。


早上12点起床。磨磨唧唧干了些事吃了个泡面之后在房间里运动，literally, 了很久。 然后又去游了几下泳。导致现在腹肌酸疼。运动很讨厌，但我对它的厌恶之情少过于赘肉。所以我还屁颠屁颠运动去了。之后在tiong bahru吃了很久没吃却让我失望的kimchi soup，买了个不到4块钱长得很幼稚带有小猫图案还非要仿人家lv design的零钱袋。 想到了和小花在纽约皇后辛苦找非日韩餐馆还end up吃了两天的泡菜和sushi的日子。



我很想念去年那些日子。哪怕我们两需要搭很久的地铁奔波于破烂的皇后区和金光闪闪的曼哈顿，要和其它几个不认识的女生住在本来就很破烂的L.A.的一个充满水烟和到处撒尿男子的hostel，要寄人篱下脸贴着豪华别墅纱窗偷抽烟，以及其它的种种。

相比之下。我的目前以及邻近的将来就如同hall里常年不变还很难吃的dinner。


我又吃了一包泡面。手臂肌肉也开始酸疼。

A kiss, a hug, and a voice

I have a project to finish tonight. 2 guys have thrown their semi done work to me and expected me to finish their shits, clean their mess and wipe their asses. Another girl, disappeared on earth. I slept last night off so tonight i expected a karma. I am ready and yet I am sleepy.

No one laughs at God in the hospital, no one laughs at God in a war. I certainly worship God tonight.

I broke a glass. There are right now still broken pieces on my floor and since i didn't clean them up last night, I decided to let it be and started wearing shoes in my room. I know one piece just cut my foot few hours ago, but i need something to keep me sober from some nonsenses.

I bumped into few people who I had not meet for a while. All of them asked me the same question, "Started looking for a job yet?" And I told all of them "No and gimme a break." And seriously, gimme a break.

I bought a bottle of vodka, intended to open by the weekend. However I had a glass last night and if I knew myself right, another cup tonight. Hooray. Life sucks yet still nice with certain wonderful things.


I want a kiss, a hug and a voice that tells me how wonderful I am.

A beautiful Mess

Song for today - So Sick by Ne-Yo

Once in a while I tend to listen to some old songs that I once deleted from my play list. I know Ne-Yo's pretty fresh. The song s not. Lately its been Dido, Jason Mraz and Ne-yo.

I bought a pack of cigarettes, hence I think I have the strength to write few boredom before sleep.

Recently I've been doing this meaningful-supposed-to-be musical show which turned out to be something wasted. In terms of money, human resources, and of course, time. However, It is not my business to judge, I'm just one of the dancers employed by somebody. You pay me money, I dance what the choreographer taught. Besides, I know nothing about musical, drama or whatsoever. One more show tomorrow and I am getting out of this endless £@$.

Watched My Sister's Keeper, which did make me cry my ass off. While nowadays everybody is pretending to smile 'till they are afraid to cry, I am glad that my tear gland functions. Didn't really learn much from the movie, only that I saw a love distortion, or rather a beautiful mess.

Insecurity comes into play pretty often during my recent conversation with friends. A girl was talking about how insecure her boyfriend feels about her. Another one was telling me how insecure this guy, whom she got a crush on, was. Most of the time I kept silent, ignored the talking and thought about this word "insecurity".

So the question is, why are the men today so insecure? And why are women still so obsessed with insecure guys? Wouldn't that quality be a huge turn off? Drop it.


Lately I've been repeating a sentence, or rather 3 words, to myself quite frequently - now or never. Gotta call myself a loser for being kinda Indecisive. But I guess the answer now is a Never. And to be a little more rational and a little less sensitive, the answer should be final. After all I am a busy girl with a very heavy schedule. Gotta be efficient.

laughing with

Song for today: Laughing with - Regina Spektor


ICN is over. I'm disappointed. The reason is unclear, or I wouldn't wanna pick one.
Anyway, it is over. I did what I wanna do. I met some nice people. I'd say the whole while was fun. But I am never ever gonna do a show like this anymore. Ya right, like I have a chance.

I met Emily few days back, was telling her how I hadn't been smoking. She was proud of me, just like how I was proud of myself.
But the fact is that I bought another pack of dunhill fine cut. Altho' in two days I only had five and half cigarettes, somehow I realize that maybe I am not addicted to smoking, instead, I am addicted to buying new packs of 'em and enjoying the moment when I picked the first one out. And somehow, I can see cigarettes going out of my way. So judge me in whatever way you wanna. I know what is going on.


Something has been bothering me. I don't know what it is but it is definitely there.

Exhausted.

So i am gonna do what I do best. Smoke a cigarette and listen to some lovely songs. Go to bed. Dream about things on my schedule for tomorrow.

Some fish, some ships

Song for Today: Angels on the moon - Thriving Ivory


Thursday night, after having dinner with a girl friend, I was later in my room, drenching in coffee, cigarettes and work.
Sounds like Carrie's line in Sex and the city. The only difference is that she was a fabulous writer living in a flawless fiction, I am a little girl living in the real world.

I hate writing. Yet I have a blog with more than 100 posts. In average, I upload one post per week, while I don't even read my Psychology book more than one time per 2 weeks.

A long statement caught my attention few days back.

"Everybody is selfish. You love somebody else for an either clear or unclear but definitely selfish reason. You love your partner to expect the same thing back. You love your Friends to avoid loneliness."

I am pretty sure i got that from a comedy, but somehow it's not funny.

In my everyday life I keep the routine of meeting at least one friend per day. I am not sure that if its just me or it is me who is afraid of loneliness like the statement says. If the statement is sound, then I am really selfish.

Whatever.


A survey question regarding to love relationship and friendship


If you met someone who knows you, shares the same value as you, are you more willing to take the person as a friend or would you wanna drive this ship further?

See, this is a complicated question. The basic instinct may lead to a choice of the latter, however most tend to settle for the first after certain degree of consideration. Because in a ruthless real world like this, friendship weights much lighter on one's shoulder while relationship is hundred times more fragile.


I know nothing about the real world.

You gotta be kidding me

I planned to have lunch at Business School. So i headed to my favorite Vietnamese Stall and ordered a plate of prawn salad rolls.
A 40-year-old man in his Hugo Boss business suit was placing his order when I was paying for mine. I was pretty sure that he was a professor from business school whose accent and skin color told me that he is either American or New Zealander. Then here came the interesting annoying conversation.

Mr: Hey Cindy, gimme two plates of Prawn Salad Roll please.
Cindy: Sorry sir, sold out for today.

I was looking for my wallet inside of my bag and my prawn rolls were right in front of both me and the man.

Mr: Oh man, you gotta be kidding me.
Cindy: I am sorry sir. This lady just bought the last plate.

I looked up and smiled a bit then went back to my wallet searching.


Mr: That cant happen. It is my birthday today.
Cindy:.... Sorry.....


There was still no sign of my wallet in my very messed up hand bag. I was begging for it to come out so I didn't have to stay to listen to a middle aged man whining.



Mr: Oh come on Cindy, you can do something.
Cindy: ....

I realized that he was actually looking at me with little tiny hatred in his eyes when he said that sentence to Ms Cindy. Out of sudden I was pissed off. I looked up and turned around right facing the man in the suit,


Me: Well, happy birthday, sorry I got the last plate right before you. But I am keeping it.
Mr: But since you haven't paid yet, and it is my birthday....
Me: You gotta be kidding me.
Mr: Oh come on.... (whining again.)
Me: Excuse me.


Thank god I found my wallet by that time. I put down 2 bucks and walked away with a annoyed face. Behind me the man was still whining to Cindy....


If that man was really a professor from business school. I am never taking any business modules again.

Time travel

我很疲惫。schedule写得满到没有一分钟是空闲的。
project做的不尽人意。老板给的工作越来越折腾人。

我对某人说，你消沉是因为你没有目标。
我对自己说，我确定我现在要的真的是我想要的么。
某人说我make sense.
我自己对我说，i don't wanna make sense, so i won't be thinking about whether i am making sense.

sense是很难抓的一个意思。

有人问我，那你这么忙为什么还要dance。
这是我唯一一个可以回答得很肯定又很有sense的问题。因为dancing make sense.
就像如果New York University现在给我一个offer去他的dance department，我会放弃所有东西马上奔过去。
哪怕我去了变成菜鸟。哪怕我就是个菜鸟。

anyway, I am going to watch soap to relax.

The morning after

I don't know whether to call this morning or maybe night is more technically appropriate.

I got up at 7 a.m. Or rather say that I went in to my little navy color bed for 30 mins then jumped out of it. I lost the track of time, and all i could think about was coding and work, and somemore coding.Nothing gets more frustrating than that when all you can think about in bed is some kinda computer language.

After a miserable night programming on my very old fashion iBook. I decided to head to the lab 'cause PC does work million times more handy when it comes to programming. In the past two days, my sleeping time was an unshakeable mess from 5am to 5pm. Today I decided to fight against my very self.

I ate breakfast, had a horrible cup of coffee and a smoke, randomly grabbed a piece of thing and rapped it around my waist, put on a black tee which saved me lots of energy for not wearing a bra. I walked out of my room and became one of the earliest birds who appeared in my department where is famous known for geeks gathering.

2 hours after that I gave in 'cause the air conditioner in the building gave me an absolute winter experience which made me feel absofuckinglutely sorry for not wearing a bra that might possibly gave me some extra warmth. I left the building n made a new decision - I should probably get my clock right before trying to make a day efficient.


On my way back to my room. The sky became ugly, half diamond shiny, half grey like the end of the world. Some kinda ginger tea smell was mixed in the air. I didn't know what was gonna happen but it was definitely a great idea to go to bed.

It is 11 o'clock now. I think I'd go to bed 'cause at 5 pm I gotta go work at the cafe.
A total failure on time management. I pissed myself off again, but at least I was the first person who walked into that programming lab 1, School of Computing.

An email and Chinese New Year

Dr. D, my boss, sent me an email.
I was being very anxious after sending him the finalized version of the Lab design. Because even after hundred times modification, I still don't know if it is perfect, after all this is my first time to design a lab without any help.

Tonight I forced me to open the school mailbox, opened the new email sent by my boss 2 hours ago and was ready to read some unsatisfied comments on my work done. Surprisingly, I read these:

"Good Job. I don't know what to do without you."

I took a deep breath and smiled. It certainly made me feel somehow accomplished.



I settled another bitch. I mean the task.
However, he assigned me my 3rd task since I took this job offer. And now I'm confident enough to handle it.


I realized that Chinese New Year falls on the beginning of the recess week in the next semester. Should I go home?
I haven't celebrated Chinese New Year with my family for 5 years. To me it's like X'mas to British, Thanksgiving to American.
This might be the last Chinese New Year I could actually make sense of in the next 5 years.


Daddy n Mommy, I am coming home for Chinese New Year.

c:/system32

Installing Visual Studio on the PC borrowed.
Sometimes I feel very annoyed by little bullshits like this. E.g.

- You gotta borrow a PC because you own only a Mac.
- You gotta borrow PCs when your friend only own one PC.
- You gotta install a stupid software over and over again because some PC's owner has it but most of them don't.
- You gotta change thousands of small little parts of your codes whenever you switch PCs because that's the fact of it.
- You gotta buy a PC by the end because you know you can't take this anymore, but you haven't used one for 4,5 years.

Anyway, I borrowed a PC from Ocean. And there is only 800MB space left in his C drive. -_-
So I started deleting files from his C drive in order to install the Visual Studio and all those shits.
Dnd eventually most of his favorite softwares have been deleted by me.
And this is not the evil part yet, the evil part is that he doesn't know it yet.

I promise I will install all those funny softwares back except one I accidentally deleted from c:/system32.......

半个学期过去了

半个学期过去了。我只认真学了所有科目的前2章。还都忘了。
半个学期过去了。我意识到我是完全在靠着打工赚来的钱过活着。
半个学期过去了。我在国大做research的工钱还没declare。
半个学期过去了。我觉得自己没上过什么课却天天忙得和那耕田的牛一样。
半个学期过去了。我没好好睡过一晚上10个钟头的觉。
半个学期过去了。我没有去过一次clubbing.
半个学期过去了。我吃得很饱体重却下降。
半个学期过去了。我没觉得自己可怜过。
半个学期过去了。我也没觉得自己不够充实过。
半个学期过去了。我实在不知道自己做了些什么赚了多少钱花了多少钱抽了几包烟。
半个学期过去了。我没有真正出去shopping过。
半个学期过去了。我没看美剧除了friends。
半个学期过去了。我还是迷惘地过着生活。

半个学期过去了。下半个学期马上就来了。

a Laugh, whiteout and the joke

I just watched a video on facebook. The content is such a laugh and it was a dance item I choreographed in March.
I couldn't tell what was going on on that big stage because it was such a giant mess and even me myself sucked so bad.

Can't believe I am still doing the same thing this year. I cancelled the dance rehearsal last night because I was so not in the mood of creating a dream and ruining it right away.

A loud voice in my head tells me, When you are not good enough, that's all you can get.

So I guess I have no choice but to continue the absurd dream.



Whiteout was such a horrible movie except that Kate Beckinsale is beautiful like a diamond. I am not gonna go to a cinema 'till I find a sound reason.

4 o'clock in the morning I am still drinking coffee and start getting sick of the taste of coffee.
Luckily one of the tasks given by my boss has been done by tonight so at least I have something to bring to the meeting tomorrow.


Recess week is a joke. But it would have been a much bigger joke if there is no such a week existed.

Corey told me to go to bed early. I shall listen to him.

The bitches

Missy Tuesday & Wednesday



Tuesday and Wednesday are two bitches sucking my blood out with no hesitation. My dear boss Professor XXX called me up at 9 o'clock in the morning and asked me how I was.

I said "Fine thank you and what is the issue?"

"Could you come to my office for a very short 20 mins meeting?"

"Now?"

"Ya, since you said you'd free today and you didn't reply my email yesterday when I asked you if 9 a.m. was okay. I assumed it was fine with you. I am sorry if I called you too early....."

"Sure It is totally fine with me. Be there in 15 mins, Boss."

How could I be rude and say NO at this point of time to such an boss who is full of efficiency and effectiveness.

I just wonder where the PhD student is.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a friend offered me a $50/hr paid job teaching dancing 'cause the guy who was supposed to do the job had some last minute emergency.

The amount I can get from a 3-hour simple dance teaching session almost
= the average weekly pay I can get working my ass off as a teaching&researching assistant in NUS
> the amount i can get as a barrista in the god damned cafe for 20 hours.

And I didn't take the offer. Why? Because I have to work on that day as the teaching assistant, the coffee girl, and as a student.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
However I took another offer which makes me 30 bucks/hr, sth. about teaching dance once again. Because that is what my time table allows. And somehow I feel bad for the 1st offer, and sincerely, for myself.


It feels like a rape while the victim is blind folded and the rapist come too soon. Sad in both ways.
I have no idea which part of my brain formed the sentence above.



Alright I need to get some sleep 'cause even if the Tuesday bitch is done with her game, the Wednesday Bitch is cat walking towards me now.

Being Drunk, Making No Sense

i have a bottle of Vodka in my left hand and a cigarette in my right hand, and I am typing.
Aren't human the feature with the best physical structure?

Working for a professor requires certain talent. I'm trying hard to figure out what the talent is. No conclusion. So i guess I am not trying hard enough.

Working in a cafe requires nothing but time and a body that's functioning. But I still get annoyed most of the time for doing a job which is only a job which I should not care about. No conclusion and I am not even gonna give any try for this one.

I'm getting pissy again. Even Mom said to me, quit if you are tired. Ya right. Now I really wanna say what do you know about my life.
Guess that's pretty sad.


And it is certainly sad, the ones, whom I wish can offer me some mental support, keep me in a frame which either says "she is 12-year-old" or "She is the genius. ". And the only one, who can calm me down and perhaps understand what I am doing, is not here.

I guess I can just try hard to rely on myself and figure myself out 'cause sometimes, in fact frequently I lose the sense of the way that I am living.



And I am tired of calming myself down, making rational decisions, trying to figure things out, planning and so on and on and on.



Nothing is making sense here. Once again I tell myself after all, you gotta be responsible since you are an adult.

Once again no conclusion. How sad.



I seriously just hope all these are because of PMS.

Bang bang

Yes Now I am officially gonna "teach" in NUS. Despite how hilarious the fact is. I dig a grave for myself and now i am gonna jump in.


Are All the other employees in the cafe dead?
Go sign up on the fucking shift schedule and take all my shifts.
I was being nice and responsible and now I have no fucking time to make coffee.

Bang bang i hear the bullet coming to my head.

Gravedigger

I am listening to this song Gravedigger, by Dave Matthews.
Trying to figure out my schedule for this coming week.

I have:
24 hours for my current part-time jobs;
12 hours for classes;
Unknown countless hours for my four on-going school projects;
4 hours for dance rehearsals;
3 hours(Ideally) to prepare for the dance rehearsals;
3 hours to go for dance tech-class;
Yet I have not counted in the 10+ hours coming as a potential, if Professor XX decided to hire me as his research assistant.

Don't you envy my life. I will give it to you with all my pleasure.



I just wanna see my man, hide in his arms and never come out again.

A day.

I was working today.
It was unbelievably busy thr' the five hours, i made more than 10 cups of Latte and served more than 12 pieces of cheese cakes, and of course there were other stuff.

I know Starbucks is probably laughing at me, but look, last week the sales turnover almost stunned.

However, I still managed to make 4 phone calls, killed the last boss of a game on my iTouch and finished my Psychology readings. Now I learnt the true meaning of the word "efficiency".


I called an old friend, let's call her Sue, who just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. On this side of the phone I could hear the baby making weird sound over that side. Sooner than I predicted, he started crying his head off even before I finished my congratulation. And once again predictably, Sue said we would talk again and hung up the phone.

I am really happy for you, Sue. And don't forget that i bet on a boy, you owe me some chips.


I called my cousin Brandy who is getting married in December. For 10 minutes she could not stop talking about the dress, or rather the dresses. A customer came, I said we would talk again and hung up the phone.


I called Grandma. She asked more about the granddaughter's boyfriend rather than the granddaughter. Say, he got more than 10 questions in comparison of my two, which were "Have you gained weight?" and "Are you sick?" after I gave NO for the first one.




I smoked only 2 cigarettes today. Reason 1 was that I was lazy to go to 7-11, reason 2 was that I checked my bank account balance in the morning. However, brother called and we went together to 7-11 after that. And there was a bottle of scotch in my bag after i returned to my room. :)

I am 21

I am 21.
And Today I felt that I am old.

I had my most awkward moment during dance rehearsal today.
Not to mention it would be better since my thinking speed has moved to the blunt level.
I might forget what happened today tomorrow.

I could not catch dance steps anymore. Jesus christ.
And yet I mentioned it. Loser.


At midnight I went to a restaurant and had a huge bowl of noodles.
I ate while thinking about what was going on with my body, 'till not only my stomach but the whole body felt the pressure from the amount of food I had consumed.

Literally, I threw the god damn thing up soon after the cab driver reached the destination.


And the worse thing is, I switched my fucking phone back and a miss call showed up.

I dialed back and reached the voicemail for the god damn 100+th time.


I hate the fucking american female voice for the voicemail.
I had fucking enough of it.

I am fucking tired

I am going to throw away my phone.
Because I am so fucking tired of dialing.

The 100th Post

Blogspot told me that it was gonna be the 100th post before I was typing down these letters. Bravo.


I was reading a man's blog. A taxi driver in Singapore who is holding a PhD degree from Stanford.
taxidiary.blogspot.com
If you wanna take a peek.

Before reading it I never knew that Taxi drivers earn less than coffee girls, for example, me. Or maybe it is just because that Dr Cai is not really good at his job as a cabber.

Nevertheless, earning is not the point here today.

His words are amusing, yet serious.

I don't know what I am gonna become after I graduate from this so-called global university, which is ranked among top 10 in Aisa, top 100 in the world. At least i know that I won't become a cab driver since I am not a Singaporean citizen.


During lunch, My project mate, an old friend from the same faculty, asked me if I attended the career talk from whatever bank. I said no. His eyes became so wide like bells and asked me why not. I said I didn't like talks. "But it is a must, isn't it?" he said. "Well, I am not interested in banks, let alone working in one." I answered and stuffed my mouth with vietnamese roasted pork, hoping that he would stop. Of course he didn't. "So have you been to this career conference...."

I swallowed my plate of delicious vietnamese food in Business canteen in a flash without even tasting any of the dish. "I gotta run. late for my lecture." I ran away from the conversation.


I am not a career orientated person. I am not. I used to be, or I used to think I was.

All I want now is to do what I like, because I have never done so for myself. Sadly.



I am drunk. Perhaps Tomorrow I will change my mind and go to the career talks.

"Save money, live better"

I am tired of it. Not Walmart, but studying it, researching on it, discussing over it and hearing the name during lectures.
I am pretty sure NUS is a global university.
I am pretty sure that all the lecturers, professors, doctors or whatever all have great knowledges over the global market.
I am pretty sure that US is a powerful country who is the leader in many fields on this globe and Walmart is certainly a legend retail company or more.

But, gimme a break. I dont have to go thr' this over and over again for my entire college life, or, do I?

Walmart is everywhere in the modules that i was or am taking- Business models, supply chain management, customer relationship management, marketing, SOA, IS strategy planning, customer behaviors and so on and so on and so on and on.

Let me say, why dont you guys open a module called WM1001, Walmart.

And there should also be modules on Yahoo, Amazon, Webvan, Google, 1000flower, eBay.

The funniest point here is, there is not even a Walmart in Singapore.

First day of the new semester, I am fed up and have certainly lost all my passion for my major.
Now all I pray for is that Walmart not appearing during my Psychology class.

Or who knows, isn't the study on customers' psychological behavior taking big part of Walmart's D&R cost?

When i was in Taipei Airport

And when I was blue.

i thought it would be bad.
It is horrible, way much worse than a simple "bad".

it's not like that i'd been there for a while and then left. Not that simple.
It's like that i'd never really left that place, or more specifically, it's like I had never left him.

Yes, him, satellite, star, love.

And now I am lonely and homesick.

Can't breathe
can't talk
can't close my eyes because the tears would fall fast.

Homesick, lovesick.


Laugh at me. It sounds goofy and girly. And i am goofy and girly, just like how you always call me.

Goofball.

I am lonely, 'cause you are not here baby.

I sit in Taipei International airport. Been here for hours, and i still have few more to wait.
I call you every hour or two. your voice is the only thing that soft me up at this point, this moment.
Sitting in a boring terminal like this could have driven me nuts.

but it doesn't matter now. Everywhere else without you is the same - cold, lifeless, meaningless.

So it doesn't matter.

Sitting in a cafeteria for 9 hours drinking up my 6th cup of Americano.

it doesn't matter at all baby. 'cause you are not here by my side. Nothing makes me sadder.


It is weird. The way I am behaving, thinking. I wish I am able to explain it.

I'm not that kinda girl who sings " i've never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground".

I've been in n out of it.

BUT YOU.
you gave me this weird feeling, one that I've never had before. Like i've never existed in a certain way before you came into my world. i do not know how people call it.

Imprinting?

I dont know, I guess you are special.

Certainly you are so very special.


I love you. So much more that you know.


End

2:30pm at Taipei International Airport, Terminal One

Two more papers on Tuesday.
One more module to study.

I have problem in concentrating on study. Perhaps because there is not enough nicotine in my blood to keep me high.
Or, it's because some thing else distracts me.

Obviously if the first reason was sound, I'd be somewhere searching for a cigarette instead of sitting here talking to a machine.

the stupid pig flu

BSE, SARS, Bird Flu.... Diseases come and go. I never really went through any.
Here we go, Swine flu.

Few days later I am gonna land at JFK. Honestly, I do have some concerns. Hence I'm gonna go buy masks and thermometers, visit clinic, get some basic medication and do all the other necessary or unnecessary preparation.

If God gave me a chance to enter a fight, I'd go with no hesitation. Well he is the boss. Do I have a choice?

The planet is getting really messed up. I don't know if it was always like this, or it was just me who never cared enough.

Butterfly Effect

Singapore is a tiny island, known to most who have some basic geographical knowledge.
Singapore is tiny to the point that's scary, known to me.

When I first noticed on Facebook that every single of my local friend is somehow connected to one another, I was terrified.
I feel being watched, I feel that there is a big black net above me and small little voices coming from every corner.
It's noisy and disturbing.

Imagine one day you slept with a guy, who happened to be your ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's current-boyfriend.
Well, I never got myself sucked into such a hole. Nevertheless, such a thing is always possible and obviously happening.
Just look around.

Let's recall the classic saying that "Gossip is the foundation of friendship."
So whenever there is a relationship status change on facebook, (let alone the exposition of tons of "bad habit" or secrets), the number of friendships increases vaguely. So do the phone bills.

Amazing butterfly effect.

Sometimes this social networking thing is too much for me, no matter when it comes to Facebook, MSNSpace or other shits like that.

But, let's not play the anti-social card, 'cause i am not.

the hopeless crush.

Bala dragged me to this bar, and then this club.
I've been complaining about not seeing cute guys around. I guess i will have to add this word "straight" before "guys".
There are certainly tons of hot guys in Singapore, and they are not only hot, they are chilly, pepper, they are sparkling.

Txxxx is a small club, with the number of female customers being less than 10. Half naked men were dancing all night long like its nobody's business. I spent 3 hours inside, totally enjoyed myself.

I always had a perfect balanced relationship with all my gay friends. In the sense of that I was never attracted to any of them, regardless how beautiful or smart they are. HOWEVER, through the entire night, starting from the first glance at the bar, even until right now, I could not stop thinking about this guy who is hot like a volcano. After dancing with him body to body for an extremely short 5 mins, I was totally hooked. Totally. The most perfect feature on this planet that I have ever seen.

But lets revise the main point, he loves boys.

This is my most hopeless and helpless crush.

And wake up, Ling.

Oral Test

I always hate these two words, Oral and Test. 

And When they come together, the world shakes.

Apparently my tiny little world just collapsed after the German ORAL TEST few hours ago. 

I have certainly done an bad job. Well, Oh well. Oh well. Oh well. 

The German Tutor pointed to a ridiculous looking graphic with some statistics on it and asked me , " So, in 2003 wohnten mehr Studenten mit den Eltern als 2000. Warum?" (Compare to 2000, there were more students  living with their parents in 2003. Why? )

Errr, I stunned, ask me in any language, i would not know the answer. 

Alright, here we go the official excuse, I do not want to waste effort on something that I am interested in but not that interested in. Something refer to German I II III IV, history modules, even, if I insist, the Maths modules. So here is the point, I officially forgive myself. 

I think I am behaving extremely childish above there

I bought a book. It is about food. Yes. it is. so the thing is that I bought such a book from NUS bookstore, while everybody else are probably eating their text books or sleeping with the text book opened, sitting on the face.  Good for you, man. 

Read few pages on two books with some sorts of long names. Let me call them western arts and paintings for now. Quite funky stuff. Alright, breadth for next year settled. 

Ensemble tech class is over for the sake of examination. But I do wanna go for tech class badly. You know once I stop dancing, stop scolding my dancers or getting scolded by my choreographers, I feel empty. 

So... Going for some ballet shit this weekend!

eat

Mir ist langweilig, obwohl Hausaufgaben jetzt machen ich musste. 

Ich habe die Spräche zwei Jahre gespracht, aber die ist noch absonderlich. 

Ich spreche noch schlechtes Deutsch. 

Just to speak for the sack of the test tomorrow. Guess German 5 is out of my way next semester. I can't handle it anymore, those fuckheads in class are too serious over a language module. 

after all these dance concerts,  i just can't stop eating. 4, 5 meals a day and i am in hunger of more. 

Rules

Rules for me.

1, dance less, eat more.

My body is weak, it is always a shame to admit but I guess I should start realizing the fact.

The new built muscles make me look fit, or even healthy. But the medical reports and various kinds of illnesses beat me down to the ground.

2, Sleep early. 

I went to bed before midnight last night. First time in this semester. One of the reasons was of course because my half-blinded condition last night. I woke up twice this morning from freezing. Eventually I went back to sleep and successfully got up by 2pm. I have never felt so good in several months.

3, No smoking

Brother came to visit me last night when he heard of my operation. This kind man brought me fried chicken and cigarettes. Luckily that the cigarettes were apparently too strong. I choked badly after finishing one and amazingly felt sick for smokes after that. After not smoking for more than 20 hours, i am breathing in fresh air again.

 

I went to purchase my favorite Vietnamese oranges. Although I am broke but I should treat myself well, at least sometimes. In a foreign land like this, guess I can only depend on myself.  

Something abt the eye surgery i had yesterday. It was horrible. It was fast tho', but the 10 mins was the most unforgettable moment in my entire life. 

Imagine someone first injected something into your stye, right into it, and told u that it was supposed to make your eye numb so u wouldn't feel the pain later during the operation. Well, then I felt the pain that I was not supposed to feel, and clearly felt that the surgeon was cutting open the sty, using a needle to break the whatever thing inside, finally squeezed out everything she could by using all her strength. 

One thing I could tell u is that, if they didnt inject me before the real thing, i would die from the pain. however, the pain was divided into two parts. The injection, and the operation. I guess that is better?

Truth

I dont give a fuck about how u feel. 

I am sad, not because of what you have done, at least not anymore, but the way you show your pity face to the others. 

Stop pushing me, you know I can fucking ruin you if I want. You know you are the one who has some dirty secrets which I am really really eager to show to everybody who is curious about it. 

I cried tonight on the Ensemble Concert when I was dancing on the stage. 

crying over my naiveness.

i have nothing to do with you, am i clear? 

Question mark

I am quite disgusted by what I've just heard, even though I do have prepared for the coming of these truth. 

I thought I knew somebody well, in fact i  still think i know him well. 

Suddenly the truth hit me then I realize, even if I know you well, you could still be a stranger for me. Not completely but it's still a scary thing. 

I have no time for this now, so I won't make a fuss abt it. Just to let somebody know, the world is small, so small that's scary, for both you and me. 

  

   

Someone, Anyone

I am exhausted. 

Might someone, anyone give me a break. 

Last week I thought that I quit smoking. An hour ago I walked out 7 eleven with NEXT in my pocket. There are just too many ways to break  a promise. Intended, unintended. 

It has been raining. Dogs and Cats. The blur sky in the dark night scares me, tho I had to walk under it almost every single night. 

Two weeks ago I had this unbelievable bad mood, PMS, I self comforted. Last week I had this bitchy mood, MS, I self comforted one more time. Now I still wanna fight with someone, anyone, badly, tho I have no excuse to explain the undesirable desire.  Am I sick? Or maybe its not really an issue of myself. Maybe it is somebody else's fault. Maybe somebodys nose deserved to be broken. 

I want March to disappear tomorrow morning when I open my eyes.

weather

这几天热地很，躺一晚上汗湿了一床床单。两晚湿两床。

落笔之前貌似有些话要说，写着写着就屁也挤不出一个了。

最近身体不大好，3天前吃了一个cheesecake，5分钟后狂吐。2天前不知道吃了什么，照样。一天前半夜吃了个mega mcspicy, 一喷而光。这次是真的压力有些大。明天去献血。让肾上腺素分泌一下，high一下。

今天只抽了4根烟。new record. 以我现在的经济实力还继续抽烟其实是很违反逻辑的。贱地是我已过惯挥霍的日子，一时半会受不起来。

project很多，test在我翘了几节课之后也接踵而来。发现拿中文的module确实让我的中文有所进步。虽然不是质的飞跃。

昨天在公车上听见两个人的对话，实际上是一个男声一直在说。大意是他最近刚从亚洲一圈travel回来。然后开始说亚洲人总是跟他拍照让他觉得很困扰。有一句话很清楚 he said :“maybe they've never seen a westerner.“ 

when i got off the bus, the man with this American accent is obviously an indian dude. 

You r incredible, westerner. 

 

Happy Birthday

When there is nobody with you right now

I say Happy Birthday to myself. 

21st year. 

Life has changed, so have some certain beliefs. 

As long as I am there for myself. The world is enough. 

hilarious it is.

8pm, dance studio, half of the cast are missing. Girl A came for rehearsal last week, the only once out of total four time, not mentioning that she was late for 40 mins. Girl B never showed up, but she never forgot to send me a SMS right by the starting of my rehearsals, telling me about her excuses. 

Today, by the end of the rehearsal, I received a SMS from Girl A, 

"Oops the bus is really slow. But dont worry, I will learn the steps from Girl B!". 

Isn't that lovely? So I am not pissed off anymore.

I left the dance studio and went to the vending machine, trying to get a can of coke.

After i inserted 70 cents, the machine refused to take in anymore coins, and, refuse to give me the 70 cents back.  Coke is the cheapest drink from the machine, which costs 80 cents. And I have 70 cents more in my pocket. 

Brilliant.

I went back to my room. Changed and was ready to go for work. Meet a not-so-familiar friend on the corridor. 

"Hi "

After 20 seconds

"Hello"

"what r u doing here?"

2 mins after I walked down from 3rd floor to the 1st.

he said "just bored."

Oh well.

 

夹缝

I woke up when the fan froze my body or the birds sang too loud. 

Then I walked to the bathroom with my eyes closed, tempted to fall down. 

One cigarette made the throat feel terrible, but the headache went away. 

A glass of ice water. 

The exact same theme has been there for the entire beginning of the new term, my 6th semester in this cocky university. 

My body hurts, my brain gets blunt. My life is happening. Satirically. 

I got a phone call from somebody. Honestly I'm still not sure about the person's identity. And I don't really give a shit. But it feels kinda funny when somebody you didn't know thought that you know who he was and kept talking on the phone like your old friend. 

I thought I was a fool until I met a real one. 

Please

我很痛苦。
我憎恨如此这般的生活。

i'm terrified. Give me a little time. Give me a little space.



Above were written down last night, when I thought i was in a deep down situation and being completely helpless. But now, right now, I' m laughing at myself, 'cause I think I am in a deeper down situation.

What about tomorrow?

Perhaps I really don't know what love is, what life is, just as you said, or whomever said.

I need some certain things in my life, something that i deserve for.
And what's the thing that i want, i could never tell.

I seriously hope that i could stay in China for a bit longer. Even if it's just a place for me to hide.

China

If u let me pick a word to describe the life in China, jazzy, with no reason.

I am sitting in the dark, bored. Everywhere outside is icy.

I went down to the little wine shop n bought the left stock for their only white wine. And there is still only 20 bottles of them. I guess it should be enough for the week left. The wind was wild.

I was traveling in the south, visiting people, here and there, for some reasons. I was on trains, buses all alone. But it felt good. Neat.

Few books I'm reading, two chinese n THE ENGLISH PATIENT by this man from sri lanka or ? One of the chinese ones is about life of farmers in the old times, i assume. The author was pretty famous in China for his style, from which i saw only roughness. I dislike him, obviously.

Singapore is smiling at me in her own sly way. Oh well, well. Hmmm....

Too much to say, too much to recall.